Thursday, August 7, 2008

roll 'em up, move 'em out

Fashion is like concocting a killer new recipe. You must experiment with new ingredients (fabrics, textures, vegetables, spices) to get something forward and fresh. As with all innovation, there are bound to be mistakes along the way.

Thankfully, most of the "oops" recipes have remained quietly on the kitchen cutting room floor. On occasion though, a few have slipped through the cracks.

(Stroganoff. Tapioca pudding. Off-the-shoulder sweatshirts. Spandex. )

My friends, we can now add another to that list. I thought it was gone. I thought America had learned. But alas, the #1 fashion recipe blunder of all time is resurfacing this fall.

It will probably bring banana clips with it, tying in nicely with my food/recipe metaphor.


The Tight Roll
You will need:

1) 1 pair jeans, two sizes too big. Extra points for heavy acid wash.

2) Strong fingers. (Remember to stretch.)

3) An uncontrollable desire to look 15 pounds heavier. All in your ass.

Prep time: 2 minutes
Regret time: 30 years

Step into over sized jeans. Examine ass in mirror. Prepare for growth.

Bend at waist and grab excess fabric at ankles. Pinch denim cuff, and fold remaining cuff tightly around your ankle. Roll cuff two times up your ankle to secure.

A loss of blood to your feet should set in at this time. Do not panic, this is fashion.

Stand up. Examine ass in mirror. A three inch growth on each side should be prevalent. If you have a sudden craving to watch "Sixteen Candles", you've done it right.

Optional: Add a bangle bracelets and faded New Kids on the Block T-shirt to complete your look.


So what brought this tyrade of mine on? This afternoon I found an
article about Katie Holmes and her new obsession with "Pegged Jeans". I took one look at the pictures and screamed, "THAT'S A TIGHT ROLL!" In the article they describe the look as "baggy" and "pegged". I call it "flaming" and "jackass". Oh well, now she looks as crazy as Tom.




4 comments:

Bess said...

i completely agree with you. and i laughed my ass off. WTF is katie holmes thinking? i guess i could be asking that with basically everything she does lately though. dunno why i'm so surprised.

eek! thanks for the morning laugh.

phat bess said...

I saw this too...Seriously what is she thinking?!?!? I hated the tight roll fad.

antisdel said...

Maybe she's wearing Tom's jeans and they're so short on her she had to roll them up?

phat bess said...

They probably are his jeans, they look really baggy and unfeminine. I mean I'm all for the wide leg jean trend I happen to be a fan, but these just look baggy and blah.