Thursday, September 18, 2008

baby steps

Have you ever done something you wish you could take back? Or said something so stupid that you would give anything to reach out and grab the words back before they made it to your loved ones ears? Well, I did just that to the hub last night. Said things I didn't mean out of frustration and anger (completely unjustified anger, too) and basically made a Grade A jackass out of myself. Today I've been walking around in a fog, trying to sort out the what, why and how of the stupidest person I have ever been.

Very slowly I am learning that shoving problems in the back of the proverbial closet and hoping they go away is not an option in a marriage. All you get are the same problems covered in dust bunnies. I'm the first to admit that bottling up emotions and thoughts is my numero uno fault. Rather than discussing issues as they arise like a normal person, I craftily gather up each thought and problem and place it carefully in my Hoover Dam of hidden issues. Problem is, the dam can only hold so much. Eventually the levy breaks and everything comes out at once, leaving Brad (and any other poor shmuck who happens to be nearby) confused and bewildered.

So how do I fight it? All my life I've been like this, it isn't something that goes away without a concerted effort. I'm clueless as to where to begin. How does one change a 27 year old habit? It's like learning to walk all over again. Problem? Talk about it. Another problem? Talk about it. It sounds so simple, and yet for me, it is the hardest thing to do. I guess you have to crawl before you walk.

You may be surprised at my writing about such a personal and embarrassing subject, but this blog is just as much a journal of my life as it is a vehicle for poking fun at celebrities' pants. Good and bad happen in life, but if the bad never sees daylight, you can't learn from it. Well folks, I'm learning. At a snail's pace, but I'm learning.


Anonymous said...

You are not alone in doing this.....most or better that I say many women do it too often. We were taught to stuff our anger and there's only so much stuffing that can be put under the rug before everyone around is tripping over it cause there is such a huge pile under it!
My Mom, Brad's Grandmother, Catherine Larkin, used to say about things she would get mad about Granddad, "I'll save it". Now to my knowledge she never pulled anything out of that closet she was saving things to confront him with.

I think in a marriage or any close friendship, you don't want to nag at or seem petty about the things that bother you about the other person. After all you LOVE them and there are so many things to love about them. That's why they are your friends and why he is the man you chose to marry.

George used to hold things back from me. I encouraged him to talk about things so they wouldn't get bottled up. Well, now that he is retired and we are together every day -- he is sure telling me the things I do that get to him. And ya know, I think I liked it better when he saved them and blew up once in a while!! LOL!

All you can do when you are an ass and you admit you were wrong is to say You are sorry. You were wrong and you will try your best not let it happen again. And it will happen less often as you become more secure in yourself.

Hela knows you have enough reasons to feel good about yourself. But you have to believe in you. No one can make you feel better.

And remember to let things out with the proverbial "I feel" not "You make me feel" and use "Sometimes" and not "Always" when the dam bursts and you want an outlet and acknowledgement of your feelings as being what they are YOUR FEELINGS!

Remember all the things you love about him and how petty the things can be that get you down. (If they are indeed petty!)

If this is a lifelong pattern of being a drama queen/princess - just admitting to yourself that it is not an attractive quaility in a grown-up woman who has a husband, job, daughters and friends that deserve better, might help put it in persepective.

Anonymous said...

Oops. forgot to sign the long note!
It is from me....

Aunt Joy

kim said...

Thanks, Joy. Great advice from a great lady!