Tuesday, November 25, 2008

a lesson in self control

To the Effing Retard Fat Man in Front of Me at the McDonald's Red Box Today:

Dear Sir:

Know what you want before you get here. Seriously. I understand the bright colors and lights and tons of cinematic gems are somewhat disorienting, but - could you stare later? Maybe when I'm not right behind you, credit card in hand, just trying to rent "Hancock" so I can unabashedly watch Will Smith as a super hero?

And really, there aren't that many movies worth renting. Yes, I'm sure you're torn between "The Christmas Shoes" and "Kung Fu Panda." It is rather difficult deciding between an aging Rob Lowe in the flesh or Angelina Jolie as a jujitsu cartoon cat. Just rent both. They're only a friggin' dollar.

(And I'll spare you the suspense. Jolie's cartoon cat thing doesn't get naked or do any sexual acrobatics in that panda movie. I'd go with Rob Lowe.)

Red Box was put on this earth to make my time at the video store faster. But because you stood there hem-hawing your way through the 'New Titles', I was subjected to the smell of fresh french fries. If I gain 2 pounds because I had enough time to purchase a cheeseburger, I'm coming after you.

Or at least coming after your inbox. Since you were stupid enough to leave your email address up on the screen.

Get ready for some serious spam, sucka.

Warmest Wishes For a Pleasant Thanksgiving,


1 comment:

little miss optimist said...

I'm curious, what is McDonald's Red Box? Apparently California is behind on this phenom? Or I am just way behind everything. I would love to read your old blog entries!! =]