Tuesday, December 16, 2008

my stork can take a very, very long detour

First things first...

Baby Lisbona has arrived! Bryan and Kristin don't have the picture up yet, but I can assure you that she is one of the cutest little bambino's I have ever seen.

(Yes, I say this about every single newborn baby I come in contact with.)

You would think that due to this new arrival I would be all OVER Hubs about "when can we have one" and "the IKEA cribs are so cute!" and "I promise to clean all the vomit up myself!".

And I would be saying those things....if a certain conversation hadn't happened about a week ago that knocked me on my ass. It went something like this.

Walking through Target looking at Christmas decorations:

Me: Ahh, Hubs. Our Mexican vacation in paradise is only a few months away. (Light bulb goes on over head.) Damn. I really need to get on the treadmill.

Hubs: (rolling eyes dramatically) We're going with family. Who are you needing to impress?

Me: (looking at a glossy entertainment magazine showing a post-baby Jessica Alba in all her toned glory) No one. I mean, obviously I'm not going to pick up on anyone in Mexico. But I'll be standing next to Nicole (sister-in-law) a lot and she runs marathons and is skinny minny! I have no excuse. I should start running 8 miles a day. Can we get this nativity set? It's on sale.

Hubs: (grunts) No. It's ugly. And I've gained 10 pounds since quitting smoking. I think I have more to lose than you.

Me: It is so not ugly. It's quaint. And, baby, you quit smoking!! There's a REASON you are a little heavier. I'm just a lazy slob. Ooh! Am I crazy or is that wreath over there to die for?

Hubs: Whatever, Kim.

Me: (brooding silently and looking at ugly ornaments)

Hubs: (casually) Do you still want to try and have a baby in Mexico? Because if we did, it'd be a December baby.

Me: (turning to look at Hubs, mouth hanging open) Uhhh...uhhh....uhhhhh.

Hubs: I mean, I would think you'd want to get pregnant in late summer, because then when you're, er, getting bigger, it'd be winter and you can wear comfy clothes all the time.

Me: (beads of sweat breaking out over forehead) Ummm..uhhh....uhhhhh..um...welll....um...

Hubs: I'm just sayin'. I would think we'd want to try in like, July. Then we'd have an April spring baby. Wouldn't that be fun?

Me: (wiping sweaty palms on jeans and trying to smile convincingly) Um...well, yeah.

(My inner monologue: Ho. Ly. Shit. We're talking about trying for a baby. WE are. Not just me begging. Like, for real, we are talking about it. Right here, in this Target.

If we're going to try in July...that's only...carry the 1...SEVEN MONTHS away. Holy crap. In seven months we could be one of those awful couples who go to parties and say, "We're trying!" like we're talking about taking a poop. And if we're going to try then I can't drink any alcohol or have caffeine. For a very, very long time.

And if we're trying, that means after we've...you know...I will intentionally not be using birth control. How will I stop the knee jerk reaction of calling my friends and saying, "Last week we TOTALLY didn't use birth control! And my boobs really hurt. Do you think I'm preggers? WHAT WILL MY PARENTS SAY!!!?"

How will I stop myself from running to Walgreens at 2:00 in the morning and screaming at the pharmacist, "I NEED THE MORNING AFTER PILL. STAT!!!!"

What if I have the worse documented case ever of morning sickness? What if I get so fat my ankles explode? What if I wait too long for an epidural like in "Knocked Up" and I feel EVERYTHING. What if the baby comes out and immediately hates me? Where will we have our first Christmas with the baby? What if it has that weird syndrome where it has both boy and girl parts and we have to DECIDE WHAT GENDER IT WILL BE!!!????)

Hubs: Why are you making that face?

Me: What? Huh? Where am I?

Hubs: (smirking) Are you all right?

Me: Totally fine. I mean, yeah. Good. It's just....

Hubs: It's weird to talk about it for real, isn't it?

Me: I need a Dr. Pepper.


I mean, in all seriousness, I knew this day would come. I knew that someday Hubs was going to open up the lines of communications about a baby. But I didn't think it would happen so fast. I mean, one second he's listing hundreds of reasons not to try, and then, voila, we're talking about what month to start trying!!

And by the way, what does it mean that I totally had a panic attack the second he brought it up?

(Am I like Carrie Bradshaw in that episode of SATC when she freaks out after trying on a wedding dress?)

(I love the idea that I could be anything like Carrie Bradshaw, by the way.)

All this time that I've been on Hubs about baby time, I've always known in the back of my head that he's not going to sign on, so I'm really quite safe oogling over onesies and car seats and baby bedding.

It's kind of like saying you're sick of your job and want a new one. In all honesty, you're pretty happy with your employer and you're probably not going to really go out there and look. It's just fun to bitch. But then, one day the economy takes a big fat dump and you find yourself wondering if you'll have a job tomorrow. Then your current job looks pretty darn appealing.

Same with babies. All this time I've been begging Hubs to consider expanding our family, I've known that we probably aren't really going to do it. And now...it's out there. The idea of trying. And we can't take it back.

I'm. Flat. Out. Panicking.

My good friend Bess has a theory. She says Hubs was so tired of hearing me ask for a baby that he decided to call my bluff, just to see what I'd do.

I mean, she could be right. I do talk about babies an awful lot. Maybe Hubs got sick of it and wanted to find out how I really feel about it.

I'm pretty sure my almost passing out in Target gave him his answer.


Missie said...

Everyone has those thought on having a baby with something wrong with it. That doesnt mean it will happen. The worst fear, is when the DR asks if twins run in your family you start to answer no and the hubby chimes in with yes. Then you realize that both your family and his have two sets of twins in the grandparent level. And of course its to early for an ultrasound to find out!! Dont worry about the epidural though, I couldnt feel a thing up to 6 hours after having Brei. I hope you will still consider having a child, I think you might regret it if you dont have one of your own, to look like you and share your snappy personality. Plus, I hear once a man stops smoking, the sex drive is better. I learned that from Brads facebook!

kim said...

Oh my God, the Facebook comment. Aunt Joy is officially famous because of that one! I had about 10 people email me and say, "Do you talk to your Aunt about SEX?" Ha ha!

We love you Aunt Joy, keep 'em coming!

And of course I will consider having a baby...just need to get over my fears first. Mostly about my ankles exploding.

Kara said...

I had a conversation with my hubs recently that went eerily similar to yours. I almost threw up when he mentioned something about REALLY trying. We've been married nearly 7 years and have had so much fun - now I'm feeling unsure and selfish! I'm most concerned about the rest of my body exploding - not just my ankles! Working out and eating right just aren't on my list of priorities.

alissa said...

ok so i honestly, embarassingly blurted out laughing when i read that line about the nativity scene.
on the baby note - im with you. i want children. they seem fabulous.
someday. but not tomorrow.

although i had another knocked up dream last night where i started running marathons and was breaking world records. because the large sack of baby/fluid/skin/whatever else really made me more aerodynamic.

dammit that took like 5 tries to spell.

regardless, you will be a fabulous mother one day:)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I needed to give Brad some more reasons to stick with the no smoking! And it is true -- smoking doesn't affect the sex drive but it does negatively affect the ability for better sex.
I'm just saying.

As far as what Allisa wrote....she was wrong. You are already a fabulous mother! Ask Taylor and Makayla!

Aunt Joy

Adriana said...

I think that when you decided to try on the Mexico trip that kind of eased the tension of when and your hubs had a chance to think about it and in his own way get on board. My hubs did the same thing when it came time for number two but he went the other direction. We had decdied that we were going to wait until he finished med school to have another one and then one morning he out of no where said "I think we should try to have another one now, I don't have a lot going on at the end of fourth year and that will be better than intern year"...one month later we were pregnant.