Wednesday, January 28, 2009

a letter to my daughter...

...if I was Lynne on "The Real Housewives of Orange County".

To My Lovely "M" on Her 18th Birthday:

Hello, my beautiful, perfect, exquisite daughter!! You are 18 today! Time has passed so quickly. It seems only yesterday we brought you home from the hospital. You don't remember this awful incident, but you almost made your debut in a homemade onesie your Grandma made.

God, she was so cheap.

Like my first born doesn't deserve a crisp white onesie from Fred Segal!? Thankfully Daddy put his foot down and we dressed you properly.

You were so beautiful when we showed you off that first day home. Everyone came over to see you! And though you did stain my new Gucci sweater when you overate and barfed, it was still a wonderful day. I called the pediatrician to make sure, but apparently many newborns eat too much at first. It's not a sign that they'll be obese later. Thank God.

Oh, and I'm sorry we don't have any pictures from that first week with you. I hadn't figured out which was your good side yet. I'm sure you understand.

As you got a little older, everyone gushed about how perfect you were. Of course, they weren't there when I had to apply humidity resistant gel to keep that damn cal lick of yours from flaring up. By age 2, you understood the abc's of hair care better than anyone else in your pre-school!

Of course, by middle school, everyone loved you. Daddy and I considered betrothing you to the cutest boy in your school, Jared. He was such a stud then. But I was worried he might turn out ugly or chubby. Some kids do that, you know.

You even had us worried at age 11, remember? Now looking back, aren't you glad I put you on that Slim-Fast plan? I still can't believe Dr. Johnson said it was responsible for stunting your growth. 5'1" is a perfectly normal height. And besides, I read somewhere that petite girls are more likely to maintain their figure as they get older, so I really did you a huge favor. If only my mother loved me that much!!

So anyways, you're graduating from high school this year! I know you aren't sure if college is right for you, but I think you'll definitely enjoy it. Just remember that beer causes bloating. Stick to soda water and vodka.

Yes, I know you aren't 21 yet, but I don't want your friends thinking I'm lame, so go ahead and drink. Just be careful! And you know if you ever need a ride home, call me! Just be aware that it'll take me a half hour to get my face on if I have to come and get you in the middle of the night. Remember, a lady always looks her best!

Also, I'm not going to encourage pot, but hell, I smoked like a chimney at your age, and I turned out totally fine. Just don't ever pay for it. With your boob size, you might have a hard time getting guys to pay for your drinks and pot, but don't worry too much. Daddy said I shouldn't spoil it, but guess who's getting boobies for her 19th birthday?!!!?? And maybe a tummy tuck...we'll wait and see if that little pooch of yours slims down after this year. I'm sure it will.

Anyways, I am so happy that you are 18 today! Your party starts in about 3 hours; I need to get ready! Shopping for your birthday dress last week was SO fun. I know you wanted that pink Prada dress, honey. I'm sorry you didn't get it, but really, I looked better in it. Even the sales lady said so. Mom's gotta look smokin' hot, too, right? You will be just as beautiful in your black Dolce and Gabanna strapless. Just make sure you do a few push-ups before you come out to the party. It'll make your arms look less jiggly! Oh, and I left a list of helpful exercises on your dresser. You're such a perfectionist, I know you'll get on that right away!

And honey, I'm sorry you think I disapprove of your current boyfriend. Caleb is a perfectly nice boy, but you have to think ahead. He's going to school for Landscape Design. No one ever made millions of dollars on their hands and knees digging up perennials. I'm just thinking of you.

When you're in college, lots of guys will want to date you. You'll have to come home every weekend and we'll spill juicy stories! I want to hear all about how you danced on tables with your top off! I could come party with you, even! I used to do crazy shit ALL the time. You can learn from the master!

Maybe after your party tonight I'll re-tell you the story about when I won $1,000 in a Not-So-Itty-Bitty Titty Committee Contest. We can tell all your friends too! I think I even have the video somewhere.

Well, I'm rambling now. Get dressed and I'll see you in a few hours. And just remember how much I love you and how proud I am of you! Oh, last thing...wear the 4" heels. I know that ankle injury from track last year really causes you pain, but your calves look SO much better in 4" heels. Remember, you'll have to look at these birthday pictures the rest of your life!

God, I can't wait to help you plan your wedding.

Love and Air Kisses,


Tracy said...

Loves it! That woman is a TOTAL LOON! Seriously, what the hell is she thinking when she opens her mouth? Wait..clearly that is half the problem. I cannot imagine the amount of money those girls are going to have to spend on therapy later in life.

Anonymous said...

That was great! But you forgot to touch on how much stress that "R" has and how she needs to get weekly messages and spa treatments. Her face wont stay young forever so better to start the treatments now with mommy and baby sis instead of leaving the spa to hang out with her boyfriend!! I think the next couple of blog entries should have letters from Tamara and Vicki. Vicki's should include a letter to her shrink on why she needs to be told that she is loved every 10 sec. and why her kids should live with her forever. Tamara has so many issues, I dont even know where you would start there.

Leah said...

This was hilarious. I have to say though, that I don't even think Lynn compares in vapidness to Vicki!! After all, Vicki and Jeana were the ones trying to push Gretchen to "get the money" before her cancer stricken fiance dies. LOW CLASS!! I'm addicted though.

Leah said...

OMG, or a letter from Vicki to Don! She's SO MEAN to him!

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