Wednesday, April 1, 2009

toilet talk

I haven't been blogging. I know. There are reasons. None of which are your business.

(I'm totally kidding. I've really just been busy with life. Not that blogging isn't my life, but, you get what I mean.)

I have nothing particularly interesting to discuss today. But, I recently had an epiphany.

Public bathrooms are underrated.

(Yes, I said UNDERrated.)

Here's my reasoning. Some of the absolute funniest dialogues/discussions/arguments I have ever heard have occurred whilst doing my business in a public restrooms. It's comic gold, and I want to share it with you.

So, without further ado:

Entirely Amusing Things Overheard in a Public Bathroom: Volume 1

1. Little Girl: Mommy, NO! I don't have to potty!

Mommy: Yes you do, honey. You were holding yourself out
there.

Little Girl: But that's just because it feels good!


2. (Elderly woman in stall next to me, talking to herself)
"Ughh...ohhh...awwwwhh! It's okay. I'm going to be okay.
UGHHHHH!!!!


3. Little Girl: OH, Mommy! It STINKS in here! Did
you fart or is it the person next to us?


4. Girl #1: Tracy? Are you still in here?

Tracy : Yes.

Girl #1: Okay, just checking.

Tracy : Dude...there's a pregancy test in the trash can
in this stall.

Girl #1: Dude...Why are you going through the trash can?


5. (Cell phone rings) Girl in stall #1: Hello?

Person on phone: (Inaudible)

Girl in stall#1: MOM! I'll be out in
a minute.

Person on phone: (Inaudible)

Girl in stall #1: Then buy it!

Person on phone: (Inaudible)

Girl in stall #1: I will be out in a
minute!

Girl #2: What's wrong?

Girl in stall #1: Mom wants to know if
she should buy the
ceramic Santa that's
on sale out there.


6. (Someone (not me) passes gas loudly.)

Little Girl: Someone farted!

Mom: SHHHHH!!!! Be quiet, Sophie!

Little Girl: But I HEARD it. It was louder than Jake!

Mom: Okay, but you need to keep that to yourself.

Little Girl: I didn't know people could fart louder than dogs.


7. Little Girl: Mommy, I'm done.

Mom: Well good! I'll help you wipe and then I need
to go, too.

Little Girl: Okay
(pants being zipped, Mom uses the toilet.)

Little Girl: Are you done yet?

Mom: Almost, sweetie. Just a minute.

Little Girl: Do you want me to help you wipe?


8. (in a bar restroom)
Girl #1: Oh my God. I should not have had the hot wings.


9. (Young mother changes her newborn son on the changing table)

Daughter: (gasps) Mom, hurry up.

Mother: (from inside a stall) What's wrong?

Daughter: Austin's poop is BRIGHT GREEN!

Mother: I'm sure he's got a little cold or something. That
can cause weird color poop.

Daughter: No, this is like NEON. Like...kryptonite or
something. (looks at people waiting in line) This
is so not normal, right? Look at this!

*****

I have about 3,000 of these I've heard over the years that I can't recall right now. Have you ever heard some killer dialogue in a public restroom before? Do share.

In the future, I'll be sure to carry my notebook with me into the potty to take better notes.

5 comments:

drollgirl said...

oh these are a scream! i have a story for ya, but i can't bring myself to write it. nope, it is horrendous, and of course it involves yours truly. jesus. i am cringing just thinking about it.

alissa said...

hahaha these are so funny! one time when my brother was like 3 my mom took him into the womens bathroom and he went into a stall by himself. i guess a few minutes later he starts saying 'wow its so big...its just SO big' and goes on and on. all of these women are laughing so finally my moms like 'what is?' (afraid of the answer) and hes like 'the toilet! its huge!'

eschete said...

this was some good stuff. Next time I'm accidently in the womans bathroom I'll try and listen for some interisting conversations.

Leah said...

Dressing rooms are really great places to hear ridiculous things too!

Anonymous said...

The funniest thing I have ever heard was from my step-son after eating seafood when he was 4. We told him that if he ate muscles he would have big muscles. Right after dinner in the bathroom he was saying plop...clam, plop...clam, stay in muscles