Friday, May 15, 2009

outgoing mail

Dear Opi Nail Polish:

You are amazing. Not only do you coat my nails with the freshest and most amazing pigments, but you also have one small trait that no one but me could possibly appreciate.

You peel off in one piece.

I am a closet nail polish picker,and this is my coming out letter. And it's all because of you. With you on my nail beds, I can completely pick off three fingernails worth of nail polish on the way to the grocery store, and re-apply in less than five seconds.

With your amazing lifting capabilities, there is no nail polish left behind for me to remove before reapplying.

I love you.

Best,

Kim



Dear Grey's Anatomy:

Apparently you were amazing last night. I'll admit, I stopped watching you for - um, a long time. I got tired of looking at Meredith and her bony shoulder blades that could carve a turkey.

I admit it.

But with all the radio chatter and newspaper headlines this morning, I must have missed something spectacular. And it clearly had nothing to do with Meredith or McDreamy.

Because they are boring.

Guess I'll be heading over to abc.com to catch up to find out who:

a) died
b) came back from the dead
c) raised someone from the dead
d) walked on water

I'm on the edge of my seat.

Your Former Fan,

Kim


Dear Cupcake:

I don't know why you projectile vomited on the kitchen floor last night. It scared me to death. I'm taking you to the vet today, and I know that will make you mad.

I apologize in advance.

Although I am fairly certain this occurrence was the result of consuming your lunch like it was on fire and then lapping up half a cup of water immediately afterward, I still have to take you in to the doc. No amount of looking at me with angry eyes or biting my ankles will change that.

So stop trying.

By the way, thank you for the four new holes you poked in our new bedspread. Every time we see them, we will think of you.

Mwuah, little kitty.

Love,
Mommy


Dear Netflix:

I've had the same three DVD's in my living room for three months. Every time I remember to send them back, I still forget anyway.

Do you have some sort of memory annihilating tractor beam radar signal?

(If so, I need to borrow it to help Hubs forget that I (allegedly) broke the vacuum cleaner and possibly the wiring in our bathroom.)

You're making a killing off of my forgetfulness.

I think I may have to cancel you. But I can't, because, in theory, I can rent Sex and the City and Newlyweds whenever I want!!!

How can I possibly give that up?

(I'll tell you how. One word. Hubs.)

It's Been Nice Knowing You,

Kim

5 comments:

Sandra said...

You are totally amazing......and whitty!

Darci said...

i totally agree about grays. it's all the rage so maybe i should start watching again. yahoo for online tv.

Gabby said...

Too funny! I am with you about OPI, it's magic! and I'm telling you, the last 5 minutes of Grey's are worth 2 hours of semi-blahness.

Happy weekend! xo

Kim said...

I hate her bony shoulders as well! I've never watched the show, but she drives me NUTS. PUT SOMETHING OVER THOSE SHOULDERS. They could cut diamond.

alissa said...

LOL I love this post.
first up - why does my opi not pull off in one piece!? poppycock
-i havent watched the greys finale yet! i have a very full dvr to attend to.
-grace pukes whenever she inhales her food like that, im sure you have nothing to worry about (but its probably good to check anyway)

ps i missed the blogging world!