Wednesday, May 13, 2009

this is how we (don't) do it

Author's Note: If you're just stumbling upon this article, you'll be happy to know that since writing it, I did find employment and am now back again in the happy land of  Paycheck Ville.

(I'm convinced it's because I took my own advice, which you'll be reading in about three seconds. Oh yes, I'm that good.)


Losing your job is no fun. In fact, it can be downright depressing. As you all know, I have recently joined the realms of THE UNEMPLOYED.

(Isn't it weird how "unemployed" sounds like a horrible viral disease you could pick up in a public restroom?)

Having lost my job, I seem to have also lost my will to live.  Well okay, not really, but I am rather upset for approximately 18 hours a day.  In an effort to pull me out of my newly found funk, Hubs sent me this article to help feel better.

In case you're in unemployment haze and can't summon the energy to click, I will summarize. (I'm such an enabler.) The article covers how to bounce back when you find yourself bounced out of your job. Personally, I found it very helpful, insightful and inspirational. But I have something better.

I'm here to tell you what not to do.

Kim's List of Things NOT To Do When You Lose Your Job

DO NOT: Ask your refrigerator for advice

Being unemployed allows you time. Bunches of it. Time which you ironically used to day dream about when you were employed. Now, that extra time somehow manages to easily be filled with Bon Bon's, Dr. Pepper, nachos, burritos, Hot Pockets and the occasional triple meat pizza. But know this: turning to your refrigerator for comfort will ultimately leave you up a creek when it comes time for interviews. Your "Hire Me Now" interview pants will swiftly turn into, "I Look Like a Baby Walrus Wrapped in a Rubber Band" interview pants.

No bueno.

2. DO NOT: Turn on the television until at least 3:00 pm

Daytime television will suck you in with promises of exciting soap opera tragedies and amazing weekday movies. But inevitably, the daytime selections will hold you hostage on your couch until your Hubs comes home from a long day at the office to find you in your dinosaur pajamas with three empty pints of Ben and Jerry's on the floor (see #1).

Lifetime Television is especially dangerous. Meredith Baxter is re-employment kryptonite.

Television from 3:00 on is fine.

(Because I love Ellen. And Oprah. And sometimes they have segments on getting hired. So it's okay.)

3. DO NOT: Look at emails/documents/materials from your past job.

At least for awhile. Seriously, it's the emotional equivalent of looking at old pictures of you and your boyfriend right after a break-up. The wounds are still too fresh. Stay away from those things that remind you of happier days until you've had time to adjust. (Unless you need to do something like look up insurance info or something. Then you can let it slide.)

4. DO NOT: Watch any movies that portray your dream job.

Again, learn from my mistakes.   The day I was laid off, I decided to watch Sex and The City: The Movie.

Big mistake.

Watching Carrie Bradshaw parade around in Manolo's while boasting an amazing writing career left me looking up "How to Tie An Extremely Effective Noose" articles on-line.

There's nothing wrong with focusing on what you want to do next. In fact, it's healthy to have a goal and begin taking steps toward it. However, watching someone else (especially a fictional someone else) that already has everything you want is downright depressing.

5. DO NOT: Think about what you're missing out on.

For some, this will be the easiest rule to follow. If you hated your job often made mental lists of how to end your bosses life, looking back at your ex-employer might be the motivation you need to move onward and upward. But if you truly loved your job a la moi, thinking about the good times salt in an open wound.

(Refer back to #1, salt is BAD.)

I want nothing more than to pick up right where I left off and keep on working. But I can't. Sitting around and thinking about the fun I'm no longer having is the hardest thing NOT to do.

But I'm trying.

I find that I'm keeping busy by continuously scouting job web-sites and applying for everything I see.

While possibly watching Sex and the City" the Movie.

And maybe eating Bon Bon's.

And occasionally checking out "My Husband's Double Life" on Lifetime.

And sometimes looking at emails from my past clientele.

Hey people, I just give out the advice. I never said I follow it.


Bess said...

this is hilarious and great! (the post, not the fact that you "lost" your jobby job.)

i can totally see The Pitch printing this. if i had a connection there, i'd be calling them right now.

kim said...

Thanks, Bess! You're sweet as always. Now...who can we find at the Pitch that we can coerce into giving me a job? :)

Kim said...

This post is fantastic! I'm sorry you lost your job.

How to tie a noose articles....seriously. I laughed out loud...literally.

Je said...

Cute! I love it!
What did you do, and what is your dream? To write for a magazine or such?
Have you tried freelancing or volunteering for a blog site that could get you exposure? I'm a writer - and I worked for Seattle Metblogs and a blog for our local newspaper to get some stuff on the resume! You should have a Metblogs in your city!
Good luck. ;)

Adriana said...

When you start breaking out the wine before....noon then we will start to worry. Until then eat chocolate and ice cream and anything else that makes you feel better. We won't tell :)

erin said...

How about:
flying to dallas and charging a bunch of purchases at the Allen outlets??? Sounds fab!

LiLu said...

"My Husband's Double Life"...

Thank you for that. I'm going to DVR it the second I get home...

Kellie said...

Too funny! I like the walrus description. :)

Lady Jane said...

You have a way with need to pimp yourself out!!!!!

alissa said...

haha i love it - the walrus comment was hilarious. you have me giggling

Ellen said...

...that link will hook you up with a place where you can look into using your writing skills pro-bono. It won't be a paycheck, but you'll def get some exposure and a resume boost...and something extra to do with your time :)

I'm definitely feeling ya on the unemployment; one day, I managed to watch Planet Green for 8 hours straight :(

...and if it makes you feel any better, the public programming between 12 and 3p is pretty much just angry people yelling at one another...usually about paternity and lie detector you're not missing much :)