School was out. The days were my oyster. I could drink 9 Pepsi's and eat nachos covered in sour cream for breakfast. I could use an ENTIRE STICK of butter in my Kraft macaroni and cheese if my heart desired.
From the hours of 7:30-3:30 I was free. Until Mom came home. And my freedom ended.
But wait...it's summer! I could still stay up late watching my favorite TV shows for hours on end!!!!
I would pop a big bowl of popcorn right after dinner (popcorn is a perfectly acceptable summertime snack) and snuggle on the sofa to watch The Cosby Show, Family Matters, Lois and Clark, Rescue 911, or whatever fave sitcom was slated to be on that night.
The beginning credits would roll. I would perspire with anticipation.
Would Theo Huxtable get grounded tonight? Would Urkel do that thing where he got all hot and got rid of his suspenders? Would Clark finally tell Lois he secretly wore blue tights in a non-homosexual type way and kiss her passionately? Could William Shatner possibly get any more dramatic as narrator for Rescue 911?
The possibilities were endless. The opening credits would fade to black. It was showtime.
But then, something would go horribly wrong. The opening scene of my show would seem awfully familiar. In fact, I knew Tapanga was going to say that to Cory. And I knew Cory was going to say that to Tapanga.
WHAT IS GOING ON? Then I would remember.
Summer = Re-runs.
And my life was hell.
Thankfully, summer television is not as bleak as it once was, because in the year 2000, an amazing idea was born. And they called it Reality Television.
My friends...starting next week, my gluteous (and getting even more maximus by the day) will be parked in front of the television to watch the following summer shows:
- The Bachelorette - Jillian got dumped as one of the final contenders for Jason's heart. Thankfully, she avoided finding out the hard way what a gigantic d-bag he is. Now she gets to date 30 men simultaneously and try not to look like a hooker as she makes out with at least half of them.
- So You Think You Can Dance? - A brand new batch of dancing hopefuls will shake their booties and grind their hips for the chance to be marveled as the best dancer in America. Abs will ripple, sparks will fly, and Mary Murphy will make Paula Abdul look like a shy, drug-free, Catholic school girl.
- Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood: The real 901210 is over, but watching Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott after they cheated on their spouses and then got married and made babies makes me re-live the good ol' days. Plus, I can identify with Tori. No, not the cheating part. It's more her constant worrying and paranoia that remind me just how crazy Hubs probably
thinksknows I am. But still loves me anyway.
- The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Hate the accents. Love the drama. Seriously, 5 big haired women who boast alleged ties to the mafia, husbands that are only home 3 weeks out of the year, and kids who aspire to be strip club owners? Like I could turn away for a second. Move over New York City Housewives, these gals can out cat-fight even the likes of you.
- True Blood: Season 2: I would love to watch Sookie Stackhouse get devoured by Bill the Vampire each week...but we don't have HBO. And with my recent unemployment, I doubt we'll be purchasing extra cable stations anytime soon. I will simply have to wait until we visit Hubs' Mom in Iowa, because she will have every episode taped and ready for my viewing. God bless her.
- Wipeout: Just kidding. Does anyone really watch this show? Sooooo stupid, but good if you're looking to laugh at people fall. Their pain equals your pleasure. I get it.
There you have it. My life for the next three months. Tears, fights, dancing, crazy ladies screaming, vampires and babies.
Sounds like a typical Monday night for Hubs.