Thursday, June 4, 2009

TMI Thursdays: Chop chop chop


TMI Thursday

Yesterday was TMI Thursday, and since I didn't get this posted in time, I guess it's technically TMI Friday.

Tomato, tomahto.

Go visit Lilu for lots of other seriously gross and sometimes just plain funny TMI stories.

My story from today takes place in college.

(Because really, college is a breeding ground for gross/embarrassing/uncomfortable stories to anonymously share on a blog.)

(Except my stories aren't anonymous. Damn.)

Sophomore year of college I lived in a dorm.
I know. Gross, yuck, puke, nasty, wretched. But it was cheaper than an apartment and my then-boyfriend lived there. I was sold.

Anyways...

One particular afternoon I was skipping class sick and decided my dorm room was not condusive to fun.

So I wandered to the boy's floor.

(Cuz there are always crazy batshit I-Can't-Believe-That-Just-Happened moments going down on the boy's floor.)

I arrived to find a large huddle of young males crowded around the entrance to the restroom.

Some guys were yelling, "Push harder!" and "Use elbow grease!"

(Because I watch too many CSI's, I immediately suspected some sort of gang rape was going on and contemplated calling 911.)

Two minutes later, the whooping and hollering ceased, and the Cleaning Lady emerged, a spatula in her hand.

Her English was broken, but when she spoke, it became quite clear what she was looking for.

"Who use last bathroom!?" she screamed at the now quite large group gathered in the hallway.

Many "not me's" and "I was in my room!" excuses floated through the crowd, until one blonde meat head hopped up on endorphins and Red Bull ended the suspense.

"Ethan!" he loudly proclaimed. "You were just in there! Hey lady, it's this guy right here!"

Cleaning Lady walked through the crowd to where Meat Head was pointing.
There Ethan stood, drunker than Lindsay Lohan during Mardis Gras and barely able to stand up. She waved the spatula in his face and spat out,

"You back up toilet with poop!" Her eyes flamed.

"Uh, no!" Ethan stammered. "It wasn't me...I don't even live on this floor."

Cleaning Lady wasn't having it.

"You back toilet up with poop! I have clean it! BIG poop too big to go down toilet. I HAD TO CHOP UP!" Cleaning Lady wailed, thrusting the spatula up and down to illustrate the chopping of the offending feces.

Ethan's already inebriated red face turned three shades redder as he sputtered out, "I'm...uh...I...I'm sorry."

Cleaning Lady looked over the rest of the crowd with disapproval as she walked over to her supplies cart. She stuffed the spatula in the cart and was off in a huff.

It's moments like those that make me understand why I have trouble going to the bathroom anywhere but my own home.

8 comments:

Leah said...

This made me laugh so hard!!

Kellie said...

Really? She carried around a spatula for this purpose? It must have happened quite a bit. And why a spatula? Hilarious!

D Dennis said...

OMG. That reminds me one time when I was living in McCollum Hall at KU. The cafeteria had served those (up to that point) delicious no bake, chocolate and oatmeal cookies. Some jerk thought it would be funny to mash up a couple of them, roll them into the shape of a turd and put it in the corner of one of the elevators. And a smaller one in a drinking fountain. That was over 10 years ago and I still can't eat those kind of cookies.

LiLu said...

I am really, really proud of that lady.

And it's NEVER too late for a little TMI ;-)

ManoloChooLou said...

Too funny.

Yeah, the grossest and craziest things always seemed to take place on the boy's floor. There was one guy at my university freshman year who proclaimed Tuesdays "Naked Tuesdays" and would sit around naked with a bunch of guys in his room. You'd know when a girl accidentally happened upon it by the shriek she let out. Weird people...

alissa said...

hahaha hilarious! and SOOOO gross!

drollgirl said...

BARFARONI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wendy said...

Hi-larious!

P.S. I can't go everywhere, either. And ESPECIALLY not my grandmother's house... it's weird. :)