Thursday, September 10, 2009

tmi thursdays: the pen is..mighty smaller than the sword

It's TMI Thursday, hosted by the lovely Lilu!

I eluded that this post was coming on Tuesday, remember? If you haven't read it yet, go do so quickly and then come back for the next part of the story.

Following the ego-crushing Sign Language Incident, I laid low on the flirtation with Customer Service Boy. Instead of drawing attention to myself, I focused on working, talking with my co-workers and generally pretending he didn't exist.

(Of course, at night I would doodle hearts and wedding dates and my name with his last name over and over psycho-like. It's what I do.)

Fast forward three weeks; it's Friday again and I'm at work. On that particular weekend, my parents went out of town. They specifically asked me to come home immediately after work to be with my brother ( who was 15 at the time, and also, as luck would have it, sick with the flu).

Being the amazing daughter I am, I promised to come straight home after work and hang out with my brother.

When my shift ended, I headed to the break room to clock out and head home. For some reason, Customer Service boy picked that night to ask me out.

(And when I say "ask me out", I mean he asked if I wanted to go to his house and drink beer. The romance was just oozing out his ears.)

Here's where things get a bit hazy. I remember drinking beer that night (something I hardly ever did back then because I was a bit of a prude) and I remember Customer Service Boy and his friend drinking a lot more than me.

Like, a keg each.


By the time 1:00 am rolled around, I was sleepy and Customer Service Boy and his friend were blitzed. I could see the night was going nowhere considering my crush could barely find his own bathroom to pee in.

When I stood up to leave, CS Boy suddenly snapped out of it. He asked me to stay the night.


A) Parents don't know I'm out drinking

B) Sick brother is at home wondering if I've been eaten by bears

C) I've had a few beers and perhaps shouldn't be driving

D) I've never stayed the night at a boy's house (read: I've never gone past 3rd base with a boy.)

In the end, I agree to stay.

(Because his slurring was so incredibly sexy.)

CS Boy's roommate was passed out on the couch, and I awkwardly crawled into bed with my super-crush. We made out.

(Ever have that moment when you look back and think, "Why did I ever even touch that guy?" I'm having that moment now.)

In my inexperience, I was stupid enough to believe that a little making out was going to be enough for this guy.
I soon found out I am dead wrong.

(I am going to tell the rest of this story as PC and PG as I possibly can. My relatives read this, for crying out loud.)

So...CS Boy, breathing out of his mouth and reeking of Pabst Blue Ribbon, ever so seductively removed his clothing, expecting me to follow suit.

(Or follow birthday suit. God, I'm clever.)

I inwardly went into panic mode, but calmed down enough to inform him that I was still in possession of my V-card thank-you-very-much and had no intention of giving it away to a drunken mouth breather.

Then...this conversation happened. Bloggies, I am not lying.

CS Boy: (attempting to nuzzle my neck) Ahh, it's so sweet that you've never done it before.

Me: (laughing nervously, as he is completely naked and I am still clothed.) Yeah, well, sorry if this is disappointing.

CS Boy: (gurgling) No, no, not at all. I mean, Kim, just to put your mind at ease, I'm not one of those guys that sleeps with a girl and then brags about it to my friends.

Me: (this is supposed to change my mind?) Well, that's great. I'm still not comfortable going any farther. I'm sorry.

CS Boy: (looks down at his...uh, member. And sighs.) It's not because...I mean, I know what you're thinking. (sigh) I might as well be a woman.

Cue scratched record noise.


Did this guy, who is trying to CONVINCE me to sleep with him, really just tell me that he MAY AS WELL BE A WOMAN???

Because really, I can't tell you how many times I've shared "first time" stories with my girlfriends and heard someone say, "He told me he had a small wee wee, and it TOTALLY got me going."

On another note, let's think about this logically. This guy knows I have never done this before. Chances are, I haven't seen that many boy parts. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ME YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A HARRIET???

(Unless you're drunk and being really, really honest.)

Shortly following CS Boy's not-so-cocky confession, I pretended to doze off and prayed for him to give up and pass out. It didn't take long.

I left at the first hint of dawn the next day.

Not surprisigly, Customer Service Boy eventually told the entire grocery store staff that I not only slept with him, but he was my first.

As if.

This, I suppose,just proves that the old saying really is true: People who say negative things about others really are making up for their own short comings.

Or short pee pee's.

Either one.


BJMAR13 said...

Since I know where you were now, you own me BIG at Christmas!!! :-)

LiLu said...

Oh my lord... I TOTALLY just remembered an oh-so-similar situation. Except that I'd seen my fair share before, and knew EXACTLY how pequeno his Pedro was. So when he said it, I just went, "Yep."

Also? "Hung like a harriet" is my new very favorite phrase.

Ed Adams said...

Nice. He sounds like a real winner. Congrats on not giving up the goods to Tiny.

Wendy said...

Haha, nice! Definitely lived up to Tuesday's hype! :)

Kellie said...

I had a situation similar to that. Except it was in college and I no longer had my v card and was willing to go the distance until (cue record scratch) I saw it and how small it was. Yikes. It didn't even look like it could do it. So I promptly stopped the action, said I didn't want to go any farther and ruin our friendship. Um, yeah, it was like thumb sized...

Just A Girl said...

Oh my lord. I love TMI Thursdays. That's hilarious. I also had a guy lie about taking my virginity (although he was hung like a horse). Isn't it fun?

Alyxherself said...

I had a guy lie about that too! Weird, I never knew it was such a common occurance. Weird. The thing was I had a huge crush on him but all we did is goof around play wrestle in a lake...he was BMOC and I was nobody, which is why I never understood the false claim to fame. Huh.

Travis said...

I always tell people I have a small one. Two things can happen. One, they might see it and go, "Oh, this dude is no liar, it IS small. I should bang him for his honesty." Two, they could see it and say, "Wow. He really undersells himself. It's really kind of like a python. I should bang him because he's a real man."

Either way. Just sayin.

Pennerad said...

hahahaha, short indeed. you tell the best freakin stories.

i, too, am in love with 'hung like a harriet'.

amy said...