Thursday, December 30, 2010

survey says...

I thought I was done blogging for 2010, but decided to squeeze one more post in. 

(Mostly because Hubs leaves for work at 6.15 and I can't go back to sleep and need something to do before diving into work for the day.)

I saw this survey on Perfectly Cursed Life and decided it was worth filling out.  I love fill in the blanks, which is maybe why I never turn down an opportunity to do a Mad Lib...


End of 2010 Survey:
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?


Climbed 7 very intense waterfalls in the Dominican Republic on vacation in December.  Exhilerating, crazy, scary and wonderful.
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


See yesterday's post.



3. What countries did you visit?


The Dominican Republic.
4. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?


More time with our daughters, and a sold house.

 5. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory?


I seriously don't have one.  I'm beyond awful with dates.  I did have many days throughout the year that will be etched in my memory.  I just don't know what the actual dates are.


6. What was your biggest achievement of the year??

Getting three new magazine writing gigs, all in one month.  Hard work and passion really do pay off.


7. What was your biggest failure?

Not speaking my mind at times when I definitely should have.


8. Did you suffer illness or injury?


I had a sore throat at Thanksgiving. I suffered many inuries, all at the expense of clumsyness. Thankfully none were life threatening.


9. What was the best thing you bought?

I can't tell.  It's Hubs' 30th birthday present.  I'll have pictures later...


10. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My friend Tracy.  I saw some big changes in her attitude and look on life. We had a rough go for awhile, but we seem to have come out the other end with a smile.



11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


Whoever decided to post really nasty comments about me and my family on this blog.  Also a few other people, and they know who they are.


12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?


Our trip to the Dominican Republic. And my first work trip to go see a Packer's game in Green Bay. And seeing my work in print for HerLife Magazine, Shawnee Magazine, 435 South Magazine, and Generation Boom.
13. What song will always remind you of 2010?


"California Girls" by Katy Perry and anything from Lady Gaga's "Monster" album.
14. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

This last year was really, really hard.  Hubs' was out of work, we felt like we were in limbo with the basement not being finshed, and things seemed out of sorts.  Now I feel like the world is starting to come back into focus. But it's an adjustment period. We still haven't sold our house, I still feel like we're getting the shaft when it comes to custody with the girls, and we're having to play catch-up with bills and finances from the year that Hubs was unemployed.  But we're getting there...so I'm going to say I'm happier and more hopeful toward the future.

15. What do you wish you’d done more of?


I need to try more adventurous endeavors.  The waterfall climbing in the Dom Republic was a real eye-opener.  Yes, I had help climbing the falls, but I did it.  It was by far the most dangerous thing I've ever done, and I loved every second of it.  I think I'd like to see what else I'm capable of this year. I just might surprise myself.

16. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Stress the eff out.

 
17. How will you be spending Christmas?


Spent it with family and the girls.


18. Did you fall in love in 2010?


I fall in love with Hubs every day.


19. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I strongly dislike a few people, but I try not to focus on it.



20. What was the best book you read?


I re-read "The Devil Wears Prada" after a two year hiatus, and I liked it just as much as the first time I read it.
21. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Justin Bieber.  Oh wait, greatest?  I thought that said most annoying.




22. What did you want and get?

A better understanding and more confidence in my job, a deeper relationship with Hubs, and a lot of cheese.  I got them all.


23. What did you want and not get?


A thinner waistline while eating lots of cheese.


24. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?


I turned 29 on March 3, and I honestly can't remember what we did.  I think Hubs and I went out to dinner.


25. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?


Finishing my novel.


26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?


Comfort and practicality over high fashion, mostly because of our budget constrictions. I didn't buy a lot of new clothes this year. 2010 was definitely a sweatshirt year.  However, I got great boots from Hubs for Christmas, so I might be coming out of that funk.


27. What kept you sane?


Lots of music, Hubs and my friends.


28. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?


I always really dig Diane Keaton this time of year.  Mostly because I watch "The Family Stone" about 13 million times.

I've also become a fan of Giuliana and Bill Rancic.  Don't laugh.  I watch their show on the Style Network, and I'm a fan of their relationship.  I think they both seem like very grounded people who love each other and work at their relationship every day.  Watching their infertility struggles is sad, and it makes me wonder what kinds of struggles Hubs and I will face as we go forward in life. Whatever they are, I know we can handle them together.
29. Who was the best new person you met?

I met a super cool client this year, hoping to further our business relationship as we go along.


30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?


Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming....

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

may I make a suggestion?

For years I've attempted to make New Year's resolutions.  And every single year, before the clock strikes twelve on February 1st, I have already broken every one of them.

This year I decided instead of resolutions, I would simply make suggestions for myself. With suggestions, I don't feel like a miserable nincompoop *if* (aka *when*) I don't live up to them.

(I figure, I can't possibly be alone in this. Feel free to share your failures struggles with me.)

Here's my list for the new year:


Kim's 2011 Suggestions For Herself


1)  I Suggest You Not Turn 30:  Okay, I don't actually have control over this.  30 is going happen whether I like it or not.  So let's rephrase and make it this instead:


1) I Suggest You Deny That You've Turned 30: This isn't going to work either. I've already told too many people. Let's try this:

1) I Suggest You Graciously Accept That Turning 30 Can Be a Good Thing and Hold Your Head High With Dignity:  God, I'm really striking out here.  How about...

1) I Suggest You Cry Like a Crazed Justin Beiber Fan, Show Everyone Your Wrinkles, and Have a Nervous Breakdown When You Turn 30:   Easy enough.



Moving on...


2) I Suggest You Re-evaluate the Relationships in Your Life: 

This is doable. And probably necessary.  Have you ever noticed that some relationships in your life (friends, relatives, work colleagues, etc) have been around a little too long?  It's not that they're bad, but maybe they've run their course. 


I have a really hard time with this.  I like to think that every relationship I've ever had is worth saving and clinging onto for dear life just because I hate the idea of saying good-bye.  But over the last year, I've noticed that some of the people I used to truly love, respect and appreciate are starting to love, respect and appreciate me just a little less.  

Hubs always says, "You need to look at your friendships from a Return on Investment (ROI) standpoint."  

(Hubs isn't even finance-y, but when he talks like Bill Rancic, I get all excited.)

(And then I like to imagine I look like Giuliana Rancic.)

Anyways, Hubs says, "If you're putting in all the effort, but aren't getting anything back out, it isn't worth the time and energy."


The man has a point.

I guess I've always subscribed to the notion that the more people in your life, the better off you are. Seems logical. In reality, if the peeps you're investing time, energy, money or emotions into aren't giving it back, then you're just kind of...pathetic?

I mean, think of it this way. If your refrigerator blitzes and the repairman tells you it's kaput, you don't go to the ATM and throw a bunch of money at it.  YOU GO GET THE NEW WOLF PRO 48 GLASS DOOR FRIDGE...

The point is, if I'm holding onto friendships that have gone stale, I'm preventing new ones that could potentially be even better. 

(Like my potential BFF-ness with Giuliana Rancic.)

Another other thing I need to re-evaluate this year are the people whose opinions I choose to worry about.  

(I've mentioned before that I'm a certified Needer-of-Love.)

(Hubs calls it "Insecurity" or something ridiculous like that.) 


Basically, I like to be liked. It bothers me when I'm not. I'm fun, I'm outgoing, I'm only sometimes incredibly annoying.  What's not to like? But the truth is, it's inevitable that not everyone is going to like me.  It's just the way it is.  And if I plan on having any semblance of sanity as I progress in years, I'm going to have to learn to deal with it. So...

I need to make sure that I'm truly only concerned with the opinions of people who are important in my life. Hubs, my family, my close friends.  Random people on Facebook/Twitter/This Blog who may or may not think I'm the spawn of Satan shouldn't affect my day to day life or how I feel about myself. If I'm okay with the people I love, then I'm doing pretty good. So. There.


3) I Suggest if Someone Doesn't Like You, You Kidnap Them, Tie Them to a Chair, and Demand to Know Why:  Ummmm....no.  Let's try again.


3) I Suggest You Accept That Not Everyone Can Like/Love/Adore You All the Time. And That Is Okay: I can live with this.  I think.


4) I Suggest You Cut Dr. Pepper Out of Your Diet:  And I suggest you kiss my sugary soda-lovin' ass. (Fine, how about this?  I'll cut back to only once a week.  Maybe twice.)

Update: Since this post, I have gone over 2 weeks without the liquid satan otherwise known as Dr. Pepper. It can be done!


5) I Suggest You Make This the Year You're Finally 100% Comfortable With Yourself: This is a tall order, but I do promise to try.  I heard it doesn't truly happen until you're in your 40's.  Or until you watch enough Oprah.


6) I Suggest You Quit Laying Around and Finish Your Novel Already: Fine, fine, fine!  It'd be a lot easier if I could figure out the ending. And step away from this blog for five minutes. And get a job that lets me stay home and write all day.  And, ya know, have a guarantee that it will be published.

No excuses, I'll get it done.


7) I Suggest You Love Hubs and Your Step-Daughters With Every Ounce of Yourself, and Let Them Love You Back:  Done and done.




Happy New Year, bloggies ! I'll see you in 2011!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas makes for some really great eavesdropping

Location:  A crowded Panera on Christmas Eve-Eve.

Mom: Honey, stand still, please.


Young Daughter: MOMMY!!!! I don't want to stand here.  Is hot and cold!


Mom: I know, honey.  It's hot in here, and when the door opens it gets cold. We'll move in just a second when the line moves.


Young Daugher: There's no line at McDonalds.

***

Location: The mall bathroom in Iowa. 

Mom: Honey, STOP IT! Leave the toilet paper alone while Mommy goes potty.


Toddler Daughter: NOOOOOO! I want...I want...(glurb)...(huff and puff)...ice cream.


Mom: No, we're not having ice cream.


Toddler Daughter: WAHHHHHHH!!!!!


Mom:  (voice spiraling into desperation) DO YOU WANT SANTA TO SKIP OUR HOUSE? Because he will, Haley.  He will skip right over it and I won't stop him.

***

Location: In the check-out line at Target. Two teenage girls behind me.

Girl 1: Shit, was this watch $40 or $50?


Girl 2: Um, I think $40.  


Girl 1:  Is that too cheap?


Girl 2: I dunno.  What's he getting you?

Girl 1: (sighs) I don't know.  I told him I wanted an iPod.

Girl 2: Can he afford that, though?  


Girl 1:  Probably not.  I can't really afford to get this, either though. 

Girl 2: Then don't get it.  You already got him the Blue Ray player.

Girl 1: Now it's fine, I'm putting it on my Target card.


Me: (slamming head into magazine rack) 

***

Location: Sports store trying to exchange a gift for Hubs that was the wrong size....on the day after Christmas.

Me: (placing bag on the counter) Hi, I need to exchange this sweatshirt.  It's the wrong size. I have a gift receipt.


Sales Girl: Okay.


Me:  (laughing) The thing is, I have three different gift receipts for the same sweatshirt, and I don't know which one goes with this sweatshirt.


Sales Girl:  (not amused) What?


Me:  Okay, um,(considering drawing a picture) three of us all got this same sweatshirt for Christmas.  I only need to exchange one, but I have three different gift receipts.  See? (holding up all three gift receipts) I don't know which gift receipts goes with this sweatshirt. Can you figure that out?


Sales Girl: Okay. (typing...scanning...scowling...typing....scanning...scowling...typing...scanning...scowling) None of these gift receipt is right.


Me: That's impossible.  These are the only gift receipts I have.  Can you try again?


Sales Girl: No, I already tried.


Me: (shifting my weight from foot to foot) Well, does it really matter anyway?  I have the tags on the sweatshirt still.  Can't I just do the exchange for the right size?


Sales Girl: Oh.  Yeah, that's true.


Me: (shrugging shoulders) It's okay, I probably made it more complicated than it needed to be.


Sales Girl: So, wait.  Do you need a gift receipt for this, then?


***


Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and have a wonderful New Year's!



 



Monday, November 29, 2010

Almost nothing but thanks...

The Thanksgiving 2010 weekend went off without a hitch!  Other than a severely sore throat on my part and a lot of money leaving my bank account on Black Friday (a Dyson for $269? How could I pass that up?), the weekend went swimmingly well with all three families.  And I managed to only eat a very small amount of turkey in my new vegetarian endeavor.


(Of course, this means that I ate a cornucopia of potatoes, stuffing and pie...but that's neither here nor there.)

Oh, and there is one more thing.

An incredibly brave and forthright person anonymously posted two comments on my blog over the weekend claiming that I:

a) have cheated on Hubs multiple times

b) am a cruel, evil bitch, and the world will someday discover
   this fact

c) I got married because I wanted a wedding, not a husband

d) have written letters to Hubs apologizing for "cheating on him 
and looking at other men".  Apparently this anonymous person has this letter in their possession.

e) I married Hubs for his money

(This one cracks me up. Because, really if Hubs has money
somewhere, he needn't hide it any longer. I will gladly accept it into our joint bank account.)

(I do sometimes secretly think Hubs will walk in one day and 
say, "Remember how we both got laid off this last year and we had a rough time?  It was all a JOKE! I'm actually a MILLIONAIRE!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hop into our private jet, and let's go to Paris!")

(Am I the only one that does this??)




After reading these comments, I laughed.  Then I showed Hubs and we read them together.

And then we laughed.

Then, admittedly, I got kind of mad. And I may or may not have dwelled on the whole thing for about 3 hours too long, until Hubs got sick of it and told me to pull my head out of my backside and get over it.  So I did.

And eventually I came to this conclusion. Hubs and I both know who wrote this. It doesn't take rocket science to figure it out.  

(And for the record, anonymity is for...well, let's just say it rhymes with Shicken Chit.)


Therefore, to this very determined person who is investing so much of their plentiful free time trying to break up my marriage, I will say...nothing.  Because it isn't worth it.  If I felt the need to defend and validate my commitment to Hubs, it would be giving this person fuel for their fire. Instead, I just feel really sorry for them.

In other news, Hubs starts his new job today!  Yahoo!  His hours are much earlier than I'm accustomed to, so the typical roll-over-and-cuddle-for-thirty-extra-minutes-in-the-morning ritual can sadly no longer continue.


However, Hubs can finally go somewhere each morning where he is appreciated and celebrated for the hard worker and amazing designer that he is.  I couldn't be prouder.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.  Here's a little pic from the weekend, from our fam to yours.  Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Let's do some heavy petting....

I generally use this blog to recount stories of my somewhat checkered past, and that's all well and good. But every now and again, something comes up that takes precedence over everything...and today is one of those days.

The Pet Connection, one of the wonderful no-kill animal shelters in Kansas City announced they will be closing due to a lack of funding.  I have personally worked with this shelter over the last few years through my volunteer work with the International Interior Design Association (IIDA).  The architecture and design community in KC has donated much of their time and talents to this shelter, and I am saddened to hear that it will soon be gone.


But let's forget about what the humans have contributed.  130 animals need homes NOW.  Pet Connection is waiving all adoption fees and sending pets home with food, crates, etc as they prepare for the closing.


If you live in Kansas City, or know someone in the surrounding areas who lives nearby, please direct them to Pet Connection's website at: http://www.thepetconnection.net/

I don't want to be pushy but - yeah, I want to be pushy.  Adopting a pet from a shelter is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give to yourself and your family. You are saving an animal's life, and trust me, making your own better. There are so many amazing animals all over this country that don't need a piece of paper from a breeder to declare them special.  Each and every one of them is special in their own way, and they deserve a chance to live with a family who will give them the care they deserve.


Below I've posted a little story that I received in my inbox the other day.  When I read it, I naturally cried, and wished more people could realize the amazing benefits of adopting a pet from a shelter.  Now with the news of Pet Connection closing, I realize I have to reach out to help, even if it only saves one of the animals.


I've also posted pictures of my animal shelter kitties, Oreo and Cupcake.  A self-proclaimed dog lover, I was very leery of adopting a cat two years ago. Naturally, Hubs knows me better than anyone and assured me that now only would I love our cat, I would soon love every cat I came in contact with. Three months after we brought Cupcake home, we went right back to the shelter and picked up Oreo.  Now I can't imagine my life without these two amazing creatures.


Read the story below and please pass this blog entry on to anyone you know who might be thinking of adding a pet to their home.  Encourage them to check out local shelters before they go to a breeder.  


Thanks for tolerating my break in funny stories for a cause I truly believe in. Remember that when you adopt a pet, you save two lives.  The pet you adopt, and the pet who fills the spot of the animal you adopted.


 Oreo

Cupcake

I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY
 

 Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels.  I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.  I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid.
 
As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage.  I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today.  Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.
 
As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past.  I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.
 
She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me.  I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her.  Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship.
 
A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.  Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms.  I would promise to keep her safe.  I would promise to always be by her side.  I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.  I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor.  So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors.  So many more to be saved.  At least I could save one.
 
I rescued a human today.


Monday, November 15, 2010

caught green and red handed

I have a confession. Some of you might find this pathetic and sad, but...it's who I am.


I love Christmas music.


No really.  I love it.  Even the weird jazzy Charlie Brown music.

You know those people who say, "Oh, I love Christmas, but I prefer to wait until after Thanksgiving before I start listening to the holiday music."


Well I'm one of them.  Except I'm lying. I listen to Christmas music whenever I get the chance.  June, August, January, it doesn't matter. And I allegedly have a station on my Pandora radio called "Christmas Lovelies."

(I also have this problem with Christmas movies, but that's another post.)

I generally try to keep this secret under wraps because frankly, I've already given people enough reasons to think I'm crazy.  I don't need to fuel that fire. But after today, my cover has been officially blown.

This morning I had to drop off a large piece of furniture to a client for a project she's working on.  And when I say large, I mean over 100 pounds. 

Upon my arrival at the client's office, I realized that the piece of furniture I had (which, just in case you're wondering, is this) would not fit through the front door.  I asked the receptionist if there was a warehouse person or facility guy who could help me unload the albatross chair from my car.  


So the receptionist calls in Phillip.  

And Phillip is cute.  Not *swoon* cute, but cute enough that I become acutely aware that I might need a breath mint.


Phillip tells me to drive around to the back to the loading dock, where he will be happy to assist me with the unloading of my furniture.


So I do.  And whilst I drive, I realize Josh Groban is singing "O Holy Night."


O Holy Crap.

The holy grail of Christmas songs. It's my fave. I turn it up super loudly and sing at the top of my lungs until I see Phillip in sight. 

(After which I continue to sing, except through my teeth so he can't tell what I'm doing.)

I pull up to the loading dock and realize I have to back in.  This is not good.  I would proudly award myself the Worst Backer-Inner in the World Award if there were such a thing.


(Immediately followed by the Worst Puller Into the Garage-er Award.)


I cut the engine and jump out of the car, smiling at Phillip.
And then this happened:

Me: (awkwardly) Um, Phillip, I am really awful at backing in. And since there are railings on both sides of this loading dock, would you mind backing my car in for me?  I'm sure your building will appreciate it.


Phillip: (nodding) Sure, no problem.  I understand. It can be tough with those railings there.

Me:  Well, be careful.  That chair blocks the entire back windshield so you'll just have to use the side mirrors.


Phillip:  (possibly rolling his eyes) Uh huh.

Me: (standing outside my car, and MAYBE trying to look really sophisticated and business-y.) You'll have to start the engine, I just turned it off.

Phillip: (Nods, hops in my car and starts engine)

Josh Groban:  OHHHH NIGHT,  DEE-VIIIIINNNNE! OH NIGHT....OHHH....NIGHT...DE VIIIIIINNNNNEEEEE

Me: (looking for a hole to crawl in and die.)

Phillip:  (Turns music down)  Good song.

Me: Uh...yeah.  It is. It's almost the holidays, so, ya know, I listen every now and again and usually I don't listen a lot but kind of felt in the mood today since it was chilly and...(trails off)

Phillip:  This will just take a second. (backs my car into the correct spot and retrieves my heavy chair out of it.)

Me: (cheeks blazing) Well, thanks a lot.  I appreciate it.

Phillip:  Sure thing.

***

I quickly get back in my car and drive away like a bat out of hell, mortified that my Christmas secret has been uncovered.

But then "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenter's came on and I forgot what I was upset about. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

phoning it in...

OMG.

Okay, look. I'm not a patient person by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I don't think it would be going too far to say that if patience were one of the attributes to get into heaven, the Devil and I are going to be real good friends.

That being said, I would say I have manners.  In spades.  I'm genreally pleasant, I say my please and thank you's, and I would never scream profanties at a stranger for having fat fingers.

Did I just do a fly by?

Let me explain.

About fifteen minutes ago, I looked up the phone number for my step-daughter's dentist.  She has an appointment this week that we're not going to be able to make, so a reschedule needed to happen.

I found the dentist's website and quickly dialed the number.

Now, maybe I ate too much salt this weekend.  Maybe I drank too much sangria at my friend's wedding shower yesterday. But for whatever reason, my fingers were clearly larger than usual and unable to handle the small Nerd candy's that Blackberry calls keys on my cell phone. Because this happened.

Me: (dialing number)

Phone: (ringing, ringing, ringing)

Me:  (tapping fingers,irritated that it takes more than two rings for a dental office to answer a telephone.)

Female Voice: (loudly) Some crazy WHITE B*TCH on this phone?

Me: (wondering if I accidentally dialed one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta) Um, hello?

Female Voice:  Mmm hmm!  What you want? He don't wanna talk to you, lady!  Bobby said STOP CALLING!

Me: Um, I'm sorry?  I thought I was calling XYZ Dentist Office.

Female:  WHAT? Does this sound like a DENTAL ASSISTANT?  What do you want?

Me: (hanging up quickly before my call can be traced and Billy's girlfriend shows up at my doorstep.)

I have no idea who I called or how in the world Bobby has managed to keep a girlfriend (or mother?) around that acts like that.  I either caught someone on the worst day of their life, or I have finally met someone with even less patience than me.  Because really, this woman was mad before I even SPOKE. How did she know I was even a woman?

Either way, today I am considering myself more patient than Ghandi for not having given that crazy lady a lesson in manners and kindness.

(This will hopefully overshadow the fact that I am a total wimp and too scared to stand up for myself over the phone to someone who can't even see me.)

But seriosuly people, this woman was MAD.

The great part is, I still have the number since it's the last one I dialed.  Maybe I'll call later and tell her Bobby's candlelit reservation for The Bristol at 9:00 with Candy Whitefield has been pushed up to 9:15...

Monday, November 1, 2010

on the way to the top

I spend a lot of time in different kinds of buildings for my job.  Shiny new office buildings, rehabilitated urban lofts, and even the occasional strip mall.

Most of these buildings require the use of an elevator for me to get to the correct office. 

For the record, I hate elevators.

(Except the one I met Hubs in.)

Elevators are like a portal of death to me.  They creak, squeak and are one of the most uncomfortable places on earth to be.

I dream at least four times a week that I am in an elevator when it comes crashing to the ground and I die in a fiery blaze.

Anyways...there is a silver lining to the elevator cloud.  Funny stories.

The other day a friend of mine texted me about a bizarre conversation she had in an elevator with a stranger.  This got me thinking about how many hilarious dialogues I've participated in/witnessed over the years. 

So in honor of Monday sucking, here are a few stories to bring a smile to your day.  I'll start off with my friend's story and move into my own. Feel free to comment and add some of your own!


Story 1: Courtesy of my friend J

J: (standing in elevator)

Women Stranger:  (sniff, sniff) Mmm, you smell good!

J: (smiles)

Women Stranger:  I'm not gay.


Story 2:

Me: (sigh)

Man Stranger: This is sure a long ride.

Me: (laughs) Yeah, it seems to be!

Man Stranger: At least Desperate Housewivesis on tonight.  I love that show!

Story 3:

(ridiculously crowded elevator)

Man Stranger #1: Wow, I can't believe how many people we just got in here!

Man Stranger #2:  Carl, if you fart, I will kill you.


Story 4:

Me: (waiting ten minutes for an elevator with 30 pounds of crap in my arms)

Man Stranger Waiting Next to Me:  You have a lot of stuff! Looks heavy!

Me:  Yeah, it is.

Man Stranger: (waits a moment) Well, I'm going to take the stairs! Have a good day!

Me: (silently flips him the bird)

Story 5:

Me:  (riding in an elevator silently)

Man Entering Elevator on Cell Phone:  I'll probably be home in twenty minutes. I'm on the elevator right now.  What?  On the 17th floor, from my office.

(Elevator begins to move)
Man on Phone:  Yes, it's moving right now! I don't know why it isn't cutting out, but I'm on it....Well,sometimes it doesn't cut me off....I don't know why not.(glances at me) Can I call you back? (sighs)  Yes, I love you. I LOVE YOU.


Story 6

Woman's Cell Phone Rings on Elevator:  Hello?  I'm in the elevator, on my way home. 

Elevator opens on 2nd floor, woman exits. Doors begin to close.  Woman looks around and realizes she didn't exit on the 1st floor.

Woman: Oh shit!  This isn't my floor! 

(doors close before I can hit button)

Woman: CARLY, I GOT OFF ON THE WRONG GOD DA-

(Elevator drops out of earshot)


Story 7

Riding on elevator with about 4 alpha males all discussing stock portfolios or something I know nothing about. A large woman enters the elevator on floor 6 and gets off on floor 7.

Jack-ass Alpha Male: OH DAMN! She needed to use the stairs.

Jack-ass Alpha Male 2: (to me) Thank goodness you're riding more than five floors or we'd be giving you a hard time!

Jack-ass Alpha Male 3:  But she isn't fat, Paul.

Jack-ass Alpha Male 2:  If she got off after one floor, she would be eventually. Right?  RIGHT?

Me: (making mental note to hug Hubs' mother for giving him manners the next time I see her.)

***

I have loads more stories, but we'll save them for another day.  What about you bloggies...what's an uncomfortable moment you've had in an elevator?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

larry, the table guy

There are people in this world that can say things, do things and act ways that are inappropriate, and never seem to get their comeuppance.  

I am not one of them. 

Based on this next story, I've determined that my karma wheel is smaller than my current shoe budget, so perhaps I should focus on doing only good from now on.

Last Friday night, Hubs and I went to dinner at a little Irish pub/restaurant we discovered near our house.  We had only been there twice before, but Hubs' love for Guiness and shepherd's pie brought us back once again.

We settled into our booth and ordered drinks and sliders from the young waitress. (Well, she's younger than me, which in my book, makes her an infant.)  It was the perfect way to start a relaxing Friday night.


And then this happened...


Hubs: (stretching his arms overhead) Man, what a week.  I'm so exhausted, I can't wait for my Guiness.


Me: (nodding) I know, me too.  I've earned this glass of wine tonight. Who are you playing in your fantasy football league on Sunday? 


Hubs: (thinking) I honestly don't remember, I think I -"


(Waitress arrives with our drinks. We thank her and begin drinking. It is sooooo good.)

Me: I think I'm playing Kristen, and she beat me last year so I'm hoping I can pull it out this time, but it will depend on whether Romo shows up and throws some touchdown.

(Waitress suddenly appears again.)
 

Waitress: (awkwardly approaches our table, smiling at Hubs) Hey, sorry to bother you, but can I ask what your name is?


Me: (internal dialogue) His name is "I'm Married And You're Jail Bait."

Hubs: (smiling) Sure you can. It's Hubs.


Waitress: (slightly frowns and cocks her head) Oh.  So it isn't Larry?


Hubs: (eyebrows raise) Uhhhh, no?  Just Hubs.


Waitress: (straightening up) Okay, sorry to bother you.  One of the other waitresses swore she knew you and wanted me to check. (slaps table) Thanks!  Enjoy your drinks, dinner will be up soon!


Hubs: (confused) WOW, I must look really old if someone thinks I'm a Larry.  Right?  I mean, really.


Me: (staring coldly back at Hubs)

Hub:  WHAT?

Me: (arms crossed and only half-serious) So, is Larry the code name you use when you're leading your double life here at the bar?  Is this where you bring your little hot peppers and booze them up when I'm out of town for business?


Hubs: (points his finger at me) Yep, you got it.  I intentionally brought you to the one place I WOULD NEVER bring you if I was cheating.  Think about it.  If this was my cheating spot, why would I bring you?


Me: (glad Hubs has played directly into my hands)  BECAUSE, Hubs.  It's the perfect disguise!  By bringing me here and having your cover name be something as ridiculous as Larry, you can say 'I'd have to be so stupid to bring you hear if I was cheating.'  It's the PERFECT excuse.  People do these things, you know.


Hubs: (rolling eyes) Like who?


Me: (hands swinging) It happens on those weird based-on-reality Lifetime movies like, "The Lost Past" and "My Husband's Double Life". IT HAPPENS!


Waitress: (setting our plates down) Here you go.  Anything else I can get you?  Sorry about that weird question.


Hubs: (taking the plate) It's okay, although you have no idea what you've done.  My wife is a bit paranoid and now thinks I'm leaving a double life here at the restaurant.


Waitress: (uncomfortable) Uh, ok.  Enjoy your meal! (walks away to serve the table full of mullets across from us)

Hubs:  (laughing) Trust me, babe, this is the last place on earth I'd live a double life.


Me:  Whatever, Larry.


****


Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon.  I return home from work to find a large white box on the kitchen counter addressed to me.  This is not unusual as I receive multiple packages each week for my job.


But most aren't like this.


The return label doesn't show my company's home office.  Instead, it reads "Christopher Elbow Chocolates."  I immediately tear into the box, excited to see what's inside.


A beautiful brown box of chocolates sits in the carefully wrapped box...and it's all for me.

Excited to be receiving my first EVER box of delivered deliciousness, I hurriedly tear through the box looking for a note.



There isn't one.


I smile ear to ear and pick up my phone to text Hubs.  Here's our text conversation:


Me: Had a box of chocolates sent to me today with no card...hmm, I wonder who they're from?  You are SO sweet!!!


Hubs: I saw those earlier. Not from me, though.  Probably some Facebook boyfriend.  And I have a double life?


Me: WHAT?  Are you kidding. Sersly. Don't eff with me.


Hubs: I'm not.


Me: Maybe it's a promotional thing?


Hubs: (silence)

(Quickly I dig through the box the chocolates arrived in again, but still find no note.  Suddenly, I look back at the cute box of chocolates and notice the note is attached to the chocolates! A HA!  I pull the note out and read.  And want to kill myself.

Me:  OMG! I found the note!  They're from the design company I've been working with thanking me for all the lunches I paid for last week. HA ha ha!  The card was attached to the box and I didn't even see it!


Hubs: Right.


Me: Whatever.  If I was cheating on you, my boyfriend would have to be the biggest idiot alive.

Hubs: (silence)

Me: I'm not cheating on you!

Hubs: (silence)

Me: Don't punish me for a misunderstanding!


Hubs: (probably laughing) It's fine.  This is Larry...signing off.


***


Like I said, my karma wheel is small.  And my ability to dish it and take it is apparently even smaller.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

have a glass of pinot moron

Setting: Panera Bread with "P", a good friend of mine who is also a sales rep. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Me: (sipping soup) So what do you have going on today?

P:  (taking a bite of sandwich) I have discontinued products that I have to go pull from shelves.

Me: (wrinkling nose) Ew.  I hate doing that.
 

P: (shrugging) It's okay, it'll go fast.  What about you? You busy today?


Me: (sighing) I have a huge project that's supposed to be ordering in the next few days, so I have to get it all buttoned up and ready to go. And I need to take my product binders over to XYZ Firm now that they've moved into their new office.

P: (smiling and clapping her hands) Oh fun!  I love the girls over there.

Me:  I know, me too!  They're all so sweet.  And I love that Kim Doe is over there now full time. She'll fit in so well with everyone.



P: Oh, that's right!  Her last name is Doe now.  It used to be Smith, right?

Me: (thinking hard) No, that can't be right. She got married awhile back and it changed from from Crawford to Doe, didn't it?


P: (silence)

Me: (determined) Yes, that HAS to be right.  Kim Crawford to Kim Doe.  I don't know where you're getting Smith from, honey.

P: (leaning in and whispering) Um, isn't Kim Crawford the.....you...when you go to....with your friend Tracy?

Me: (leaning closer to hear) Huh?  What?

P: (practically hissing, but still trying to maintain privacy, for my sake.) Isn't Kim Crawford the wine you drink when you go to Houlihan's with your friend, Tracy?


Me: (light bulb goes on) Oh. Holy. Crap. Did I really just confuse one of my client's names with a BOTTLES OF WINE???!!


P: (leaning back in her chair)  Apparently Kim Crawford is VERY good client of yours.


Me: (nodding head) True, very true. And really, she is the best client ever. She always makes me feel good, she listens, and there's always plenty of her to go around.


P:  Yeah, but you have to buy her to meet with her and get her love.


Me:  (smiling) And how is that different from any of my other clients?

Monday, October 25, 2010

ring around the rosie, a wallet full of embarrassment

Today has already been a bit of a challenge.  I'd love to blame it on Monday, but if I'm going to be honest, my problems generally stem from my continued lack of concentration at any given time.

For example...

I drove to the gas station this morning to fill up (running on fumes is SO not a good idea when you're as disaster prone as myself). I have quite a few things to accomplish today (mostly due to a complete lack of planning and a large helping of procrastination) so my mind was, shall we say, otherwise engaged.

Speaking of engaged...

As I approached the gas station, I felt an unfamiliar emptiness on my left hand. Drat.  In my hurry to fill my car with gas and my stomach with Dr. Pepper, I had forgotten my wedding ring on the bathroom sink. This posed an issue because:

a) I am incredibly superstitious. Forgetting my wedding ring immediately filled my head with thoughts of "Does this mean I subconsciously think my marriage is in trouble so I left my ring behind to wake myself up?" or "Is Hubs secretly cheating on me and my seventh sense is picking up on his infidelity?"

b) If there was ever a creature of habit, I am one.  If I don't brush my teeth with the correct hand, my whole day is thrown off.  Not having my ring on my finger is just an invitation for a mental tail spin for the remainder of the afternoon.

c) My cats love sparkly items.  They thoroughly enjoy picking them up, chewing on them for fifteen minutes, and dropping them in somewhere in our house that I would never dream of going in a million years.  Like the laundry room. 

With all this in mind, it goes without saying that I was slightly preoccupied as I pulled into the gas station.  Ring was missing, deadlines were looming...I was distracted.

I put the car in park (so at least this isn't a runaway story again) and set the silver flappy thing on the pump so the car would fill up on its own. Checking that all was well, I grabbed my credit card, ran into the gas station and bought a Dr. Pepper.


(This all took less than a minute, because nothing gets in the way of me and my caffeine.)


I returned to find my car filled and ready to go. Amazing. I shoved the pump back in its cradle, grabbed my receipt, jumped in the car and took off, noting that my masterful quick skills had given me enough time to head home and grab my wedding ring before my next appointment.


And then I heard a thump.


Flat tire?


Did I hit a small child?


Did I run over a raccoon?


A quick check of my rear view showed nothing behind me. Looking over both shoulders, I determined it must have been an invisible rock.  And I didn't have time to check if the rock was hurt.

With the gas station a mere 100 yards from my house, I quickly backtracked up the road and retrieved my bauble from the bathroom sink, where thankfully it still remained.


As I drove back down the road, I had to smile at myself.  Here I was, engrossed with a million things on my mind, and I managed to come out ahead.  No injuries, I had my ring back, and I was running four minutes ahead.


Yay for me! 

At this time I happened to be passing the gas station from whence I had just come.  And I noticed something in the near empty parking lot.  An object, near where I had filled up.

What was that?


I almost decided to pass on by, assuming it was a bag of chips or candy left behind by a rude customer.  But something called to me.  So I pulled in.


And there, a mere 50 feet adjacent to the gas pump I had just utilized...was my wallet.


Oh my God.

Clearly my quick stop at the gas station had entailed me placing my wallet on the roof of my vehicle and leaving it there as I pulled away...hence the thump noise I heard earlier.

Embarrassed, I pulled up next to the wallet and attempted to discreetly grab the wallet.


"IS THAT YOURS???!!!" A young blonde gas station employee called to me from the entrance of the gas station.


"Uh, yeah, it must have fallen out when I left earlier! I've got it now, thanks!"


The girl laughed. How rude.


"We saw it from in here," she said.  "You took off so fast, it just flew off your car!  We thought about bringing it in, but assumed you'd come back for it.  I tried to get your license number, but you were going too fast!"


Well excuse me for not driving like Morgan Freeman in "Driving Miss Daisy".  I'm a busy girl.


"Yeah, I was just in a hurry," I replied. "Thanks so much for your help! I've got it now!" I waved the wallet in the air to confirm that all was well and she could go back to her People magazine.


But the girl didn't stop there.  Jesus, she was chatty.


"Well, if you didn't come back we probably just would've mailed it to you and kept whatever cash and credit cards you had at the store for you to come back and get.  Thanks goodness you realized it and drove back!"


I didn't feel like sharing with Barney Fife-tte that I had no clue my wallet was missing and likely wouldn't have realized it until I went to purchase a client lunch...which on an embarrassment scale would have registered off the charts.


Instead, I just smiled and waved, ducked back into my car and drove away.  Slowly.  Very, very slowly.