Thursday, September 16, 2010

For my mother...

Things I Will Always Do, Thanks to My Mother Lodged Firmly in My Head

...feel catastrophically guilty every time I throw away a Ziploc bag. "YOU CAN REUSE THOSE! They're eight cents a piece!!!"

...leave my car unlocked in church parking lots. "If someone from church is going to steal our car, God help us."

...resist the urge to buy treats at a ballgame/amusement park/concert.  "Just get a drink before you leave the house or bring a cooler in the car with iced drinks.  It's easy and it saves TONS of money!"

...apologize for my cooking before anyone has even taken a bite. "I KNOW the chicken is dry and I'm SO sorry.  It's disgusting, you don't have to eat it."

...expect endless praise for my awful cooking. "WELL?  Don't you all APPRECIATE my efforts in making this meal??

...find a way to tell Hubs how expensive his Christmas gift is, without really telling him.  "Hubs, I was going to get you that really nice 9 iron you wanted, but it was $250, which was about 25% over my budget. I'm so sorry!"

...assume that Hubs hates my Christmas present unless he throws a parade in my honor.  "Hubs, you're not even SMILING!  I made that photo book myself!  I worked on it for NINETEEN HOURS. You're not even getting mooshy about it.  You think it's stupid, I know it. I don't even know why I try."

...continually insist that I'm right, even if it means making up ridiculous details to prove it. "I'm POSITIVE I put the scissors in this kitchen drawer, so you must have moved them, Hubs.  I even remember that I was wearing my blue button down shirt when I put them away.  And my hair was in a ponytail."

...act completely shocked and surprised when my details are proved completely false.  "The garage? Now how did the scissors get in the garage? And what do you mean my blue button shirt has been in the laundry for three months?  I KNOW I WORE IT THE DAY I PUT THE SCISSORS IN THE DRAWER!"

...spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking of how to get something free.  "If I buy this popcorn and eat it REALLY fast, then go up to the lady at the counter and tell her I accidentally spilled it in the bathroom, she'd probably give me a free bucket.  I mean, how could they prove I didn't?"

...convince myself the neighborhood is fraught with danger.  "Hubs, did you see that car drive by our house three times?  And the third time he was driving REALLY slow.  Maybe he's scoping out the house? Oh wait, we do have the house up for sale.  Good point."

...try and give our daughters financial lessons at every single opportunity that arises, no matter how inappropriate. "Do you like your birthday gift, Makayla?  It was really expensive. That's why it's important to save.  Here, I've drawn you a graph..."

...make completely bogus statements about things I know nothing about. "Hubs, you want to put hard woods in the basement?  That's going to cost SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS at least!"

...buy ridiculous things in bulk, just because they're on sale. "Hubs, these cans of Mint Mocha Strawberry flavored coffee are on sale for less than $3.00. We should get ten."

***


Yes, my mother and I may or may not be a bit neurotic.  But if we weren't, we'd sure be a lot less interesting.  So there...

1 comment:

P said...

Hahaha, I LOVE this post. Hilarious...