Thursday, October 28, 2010

larry, the table guy

There are people in this world that can say things, do things and act ways that are inappropriate, and never seem to get their comeuppance.  

I am not one of them. 

Based on this next story, I've determined that my karma wheel is smaller than my current shoe budget, so perhaps I should focus on doing only good from now on.

Last Friday night, Hubs and I went to dinner at a little Irish pub/restaurant we discovered near our house.  We had only been there twice before, but Hubs' love for Guiness and shepherd's pie brought us back once again.

We settled into our booth and ordered drinks and sliders from the young waitress. (Well, she's younger than me, which in my book, makes her an infant.)  It was the perfect way to start a relaxing Friday night.

And then this happened...

Hubs: (stretching his arms overhead) Man, what a week.  I'm so exhausted, I can't wait for my Guiness.

Me: (nodding) I know, me too.  I've earned this glass of wine tonight. Who are you playing in your fantasy football league on Sunday? 

Hubs: (thinking) I honestly don't remember, I think I -"

(Waitress arrives with our drinks. We thank her and begin drinking. It is sooooo good.)

Me: I think I'm playing Kristen, and she beat me last year so I'm hoping I can pull it out this time, but it will depend on whether Romo shows up and throws some touchdown.

(Waitress suddenly appears again.)

Waitress: (awkwardly approaches our table, smiling at Hubs) Hey, sorry to bother you, but can I ask what your name is?

Me: (internal dialogue) His name is "I'm Married And You're Jail Bait."

Hubs: (smiling) Sure you can. It's Hubs.

Waitress: (slightly frowns and cocks her head) Oh.  So it isn't Larry?

Hubs: (eyebrows raise) Uhhhh, no?  Just Hubs.

Waitress: (straightening up) Okay, sorry to bother you.  One of the other waitresses swore she knew you and wanted me to check. (slaps table) Thanks!  Enjoy your drinks, dinner will be up soon!

Hubs: (confused) WOW, I must look really old if someone thinks I'm a Larry.  Right?  I mean, really.

Me: (staring coldly back at Hubs)

Hub:  WHAT?

Me: (arms crossed and only half-serious) So, is Larry the code name you use when you're leading your double life here at the bar?  Is this where you bring your little hot peppers and booze them up when I'm out of town for business?

Hubs: (points his finger at me) Yep, you got it.  I intentionally brought you to the one place I WOULD NEVER bring you if I was cheating.  Think about it.  If this was my cheating spot, why would I bring you?

Me: (glad Hubs has played directly into my hands)  BECAUSE, Hubs.  It's the perfect disguise!  By bringing me here and having your cover name be something as ridiculous as Larry, you can say 'I'd have to be so stupid to bring you hear if I was cheating.'  It's the PERFECT excuse.  People do these things, you know.

Hubs: (rolling eyes) Like who?

Me: (hands swinging) It happens on those weird based-on-reality Lifetime movies like, "The Lost Past" and "My Husband's Double Life". IT HAPPENS!

Waitress: (setting our plates down) Here you go.  Anything else I can get you?  Sorry about that weird question.

Hubs: (taking the plate) It's okay, although you have no idea what you've done.  My wife is a bit paranoid and now thinks I'm leaving a double life here at the restaurant.

Waitress: (uncomfortable) Uh, ok.  Enjoy your meal! (walks away to serve the table full of mullets across from us)

Hubs:  (laughing) Trust me, babe, this is the last place on earth I'd live a double life.

Me:  Whatever, Larry.


Fast forward to Tuesday afternoon.  I return home from work to find a large white box on the kitchen counter addressed to me.  This is not unusual as I receive multiple packages each week for my job.

But most aren't like this.

The return label doesn't show my company's home office.  Instead, it reads "Christopher Elbow Chocolates."  I immediately tear into the box, excited to see what's inside.

A beautiful brown box of chocolates sits in the carefully wrapped box...and it's all for me.

Excited to be receiving my first EVER box of delivered deliciousness, I hurriedly tear through the box looking for a note.

There isn't one.

I smile ear to ear and pick up my phone to text Hubs.  Here's our text conversation:

Me: Had a box of chocolates sent to me today with no card...hmm, I wonder who they're from?  You are SO sweet!!!

Hubs: I saw those earlier. Not from me, though.  Probably some Facebook boyfriend.  And I have a double life?

Me: WHAT?  Are you kidding. Sersly. Don't eff with me.

Hubs: I'm not.

Me: Maybe it's a promotional thing?

Hubs: (silence)

(Quickly I dig through the box the chocolates arrived in again, but still find no note.  Suddenly, I look back at the cute box of chocolates and notice the note is attached to the chocolates! A HA!  I pull the note out and read.  And want to kill myself.

Me:  OMG! I found the note!  They're from the design company I've been working with thanking me for all the lunches I paid for last week. HA ha ha!  The card was attached to the box and I didn't even see it!

Hubs: Right.

Me: Whatever.  If I was cheating on you, my boyfriend would have to be the biggest idiot alive.

Hubs: (silence)

Me: I'm not cheating on you!

Hubs: (silence)

Me: Don't punish me for a misunderstanding!

Hubs: (probably laughing) It's fine.  This is Larry...signing off.


Like I said, my karma wheel is small.  And my ability to dish it and take it is apparently even smaller.


Tracy said...

Love, love, love this! Completely hilarious and made my day as always.

P said...

This is a GREAT story - love it!

Although now I really want shepherds pie and a box of chocolates. So thanks for that...