Monday, November 1, 2010

on the way to the top

I spend a lot of time in different kinds of buildings for my job.  Shiny new office buildings, rehabilitated urban lofts, and even the occasional strip mall.

Most of these buildings require the use of an elevator for me to get to the correct office. 

For the record, I hate elevators.

(Except the one I met Hubs in.)

Elevators are like a portal of death to me.  They creak, squeak and are one of the most uncomfortable places on earth to be.

I dream at least four times a week that I am in an elevator when it comes crashing to the ground and I die in a fiery blaze.

Anyways...there is a silver lining to the elevator cloud.  Funny stories.

The other day a friend of mine texted me about a bizarre conversation she had in an elevator with a stranger.  This got me thinking about how many hilarious dialogues I've participated in/witnessed over the years. 

So in honor of Monday sucking, here are a few stories to bring a smile to your day.  I'll start off with my friend's story and move into my own. Feel free to comment and add some of your own!

Story 1: Courtesy of my friend J

J: (standing in elevator)

Women Stranger:  (sniff, sniff) Mmm, you smell good!

J: (smiles)

Women Stranger:  I'm not gay.

Story 2:

Me: (sigh)

Man Stranger: This is sure a long ride.

Me: (laughs) Yeah, it seems to be!

Man Stranger: At least Desperate Housewivesis on tonight.  I love that show!

Story 3:

(ridiculously crowded elevator)

Man Stranger #1: Wow, I can't believe how many people we just got in here!

Man Stranger #2:  Carl, if you fart, I will kill you.

Story 4:

Me: (waiting ten minutes for an elevator with 30 pounds of crap in my arms)

Man Stranger Waiting Next to Me:  You have a lot of stuff! Looks heavy!

Me:  Yeah, it is.

Man Stranger: (waits a moment) Well, I'm going to take the stairs! Have a good day!

Me: (silently flips him the bird)

Story 5:

Me:  (riding in an elevator silently)

Man Entering Elevator on Cell Phone:  I'll probably be home in twenty minutes. I'm on the elevator right now.  What?  On the 17th floor, from my office.

(Elevator begins to move)
Man on Phone:  Yes, it's moving right now! I don't know why it isn't cutting out, but I'm on it....Well,sometimes it doesn't cut me off....I don't know why not.(glances at me) Can I call you back? (sighs)  Yes, I love you. I LOVE YOU.

Story 6

Woman's Cell Phone Rings on Elevator:  Hello?  I'm in the elevator, on my way home. 

Elevator opens on 2nd floor, woman exits. Doors begin to close.  Woman looks around and realizes she didn't exit on the 1st floor.

Woman: Oh shit!  This isn't my floor! 

(doors close before I can hit button)


(Elevator drops out of earshot)

Story 7

Riding on elevator with about 4 alpha males all discussing stock portfolios or something I know nothing about. A large woman enters the elevator on floor 6 and gets off on floor 7.

Jack-ass Alpha Male: OH DAMN! She needed to use the stairs.

Jack-ass Alpha Male 2: (to me) Thank goodness you're riding more than five floors or we'd be giving you a hard time!

Jack-ass Alpha Male 3:  But she isn't fat, Paul.

Jack-ass Alpha Male 2:  If she got off after one floor, she would be eventually. Right?  RIGHT?

Me: (making mental note to hug Hubs' mother for giving him manners the next time I see her.)


I have loads more stories, but we'll save them for another day.  What about you bloggies...what's an uncomfortable moment you've had in an elevator?

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