Thursday, January 7, 2010

reason #6429 i'm not ready for children: i don't speak kiddo

Setting: Our kitchen. Step-daughters are patiently waiting for me to bring them their dinner. Lasagna and salad, thankyouverymuch.

Me: (plates, pans and silverware banging everywhere) Okay guys, it's almost done, I promise. Just a few more seconds!

Daughter #1: (sighing) What are we having again?

Me: Um, lasagna. You love lasagna.

Daughter #1: I do like lasagna. It smells good.

Me: (praising the back of the Barilla lasagna box) Good, I think you'll like it!

Daughter #2 (who is 6 years old): Guess what?

Me: (burning fingers on oven door) GOD DAM-, I mean MOTHER FU...golly gee that hurt. Tee hee. What were you saying?

Daugher #2: At school today they ran out of crack whores.

(crickets)

Me: I'm sorry?

Daughter #2: (examining her fingerprints on the table) At school. We ran out of crack whores. So I didn't have any.

Me: (scratching head with oven mitt) Um...well that's too bad??

Daughter #2: Yeah. I like them in chili.

Me: (speed dialing the school.) You like crack whor...OH!! (hanging up phone as the dots connect) Your school ran out of CRACKERS!!

Daugher #2: (in her best "no-duh" voice) That's what I said.

Me: Clearly.



Note to self: remember that sometimes the sound "or" actually means "er".

Note to Hubs: Until your wife can understand the language of a child ages 2-7, she is not ready for a baby. Just sayin'.