Thursday, February 25, 2010

take that, mother nature

My mother-in-law sent me this yesterday, and I found it worthy of a blog post all its own. Spring, I'm waiting patiently for you to get here. Let's move it along.

Friday, February 19, 2010

At least I didn't think tuna was chicken

Time:  Approximately 2 months ago, Sunday night.

Setting:  Hubs and me in the living room. Cozy. Slices of pizza in our laps.  Smiles on our faces.  Pittsburg Steelers preparing to play some team I don't know on the television.  Faith Hill dancing like a moron in the intro.

Me:  (absorbing grease on my pizza with several napkins) I'm excited for this game! 

Brad: That's just because you think Mike Tomlin is hot.

Me: (jumping on the sofa a little bit)  I KNOW.  He is hot in that really calm, nothing-can-ever-bother me way.  It's so attractive.

Hubs: (rolling eyes) If I said that about some woman, you'd kill me.

Me: (staring at Hubs blankly) But you know I don't mean it when I say it.

Hubs:  Oh, but I do?

Me: (snorting) Duh.  Men always mean what they say, but they say it all jokingly about it so they can say it and get away with it.

Hubs:  And you never do that.

Me:  (shocked) NEVER.

Hubs: (smirking) So you expect me to believe that when you jokingly say you think Ryan Reynolds is sex on a stick, you don't really mean that.

Me:  (baffled) I've never said that to you!

Hubs: No, but you've said it to other people.

Me: Well you weren't supposed to hear it.

Hubs:  (rolling eyes) Whatever.

Me: (switching back to watching television) Ooh, you know who else is kind of cute in a weird way?

Hubs: (watching Faith Hill shake her leather-clad booty all over the screen) Mmm.

Me:  Troy Balmahalo

Hubs:  You mean Troy Polamalu?

Me:  (nodding) Yeah, him.  The Head 'N Shoulders commercial guy with the long hair.  He'd look hotter if he cut his hair off.

Hubs: His hair is part of his culture, babe.

Me:  Oh right.  Cuz isn't he Honolulan?

Hubs: (stopping mid-bite of his pizza) Isn't he what?

Me:  Like from Honolulu.

Hubs:  He's from Hawaii...which would make him Hawaiian.

Me: (reminding myself to fully think things through in the future)  Boy, that Faith Hill is really hot, huh?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

dum de dum de dooo....I've missed all of you!

Yeah, I fell off the blog horse.  It happens to the best of us, right?  I guess I'm finding a bizarre parallel in my blogging life, and this is it:

The better my life gets, the less I have to blog about.

Isn't that kind of weird?  You would think that when you're on top of the world, you'd want to shout it from the rooftops, tell strangers on the street (or on the internet) about it until someone tapes your mouth shut.

But for some reason, I only feel truly inspired to blog when there's some kind of drama going on.  So let's be honest.

Drama sells.

If you don't believe me, just watch the Bachelor.  Cross-eyed ex-Hooters girls with serious hair extension issues sell magazines.  Drama queens who are cute and blonde and have to leave reality shows so they can become the next Bachelorette sell television time slots.

Drama keeps 'em coming back.

So I've decided I need me some serious drama. Unfortunately, I don't know where to find it.

I can't get it from Hubs - he's way too reliable and sensitive to cause any kind of unpleasantness worth writing about. (Unless he does something like this again.  Let's keep our finger's crossed.)

I can't get it from my job.  Okay, I could, but I wouldn't be able to write about it because I'd get fired.  Although, that would create drama, but it would also induce a coma-like state for the next xyz amount of months while I lay in bed and scream, "WHY GOD, WHYYYYYY!!!!!!???"  So no dice, there.

I can't get it from my children because they're little angels who kick my ass at Mario Kart.  How could I complain about that?

No, the truth is, the only drama I can recall is from my past.  Those awful and awkward moments that occurred in the far reaches of my memory.  I guess it really shouldn't be a surprise to you, considering this blog mostly consists "omg, I can't believe she wrote about that" experiences.

Therefore, I vow to start blogging again.  But you must know that 90% of it is going to be strange and uncomfortable moments I've experience over the past (nearly) 29 years, purely intended to make you laugh and praise Jesus that you aren't me. 

It's funny because I started this blog as a way to up-date friends and family about the comings and goings in our lives.

But that's what Facebook is for.

And so...prepare yourself to learn more about me than you ever thought you'd want to know. Seriously.