Thursday, July 21, 2011

don't ask me wifi

The last few weeks have sucked. Between living in a hotel and rotating four outfits because we don't have a washer and dryer in the new house, I'm about to dump gasoline on my head and smoke a cigarette.

But I won't.

The light at the end of the tunnel is poking through. We at least have a functional television.

Then again, we have no cable. Which means no True Blood, Real Housewives of ANYTHING, So You Think You Can Dance, or Flipping Out. I may as well not have a TV.

One great part of the move that's complete is all three pets are back from Grandma's house and living with us again. As I posted the other day, we just rescued our new dog Tootsie, and she's fantastic. I'm excited to someday cuddle up with her on the couch and get some work done.

Notice I said someday.

Because we don't have Internet.

For the last three days we did have "free" wifi from an unsuspecting neighbor who didn't have his service password protected.  It only took 72 hours for him to figure out why his internet was so slow.

So there went that.

Today I had several things that I needed to get done that could not be accomplished via my Blackberry.

(Mainly because my Blackberry is as efficient as one of those Speak 'N Spells I played with when I was 4.)

That being said, I needed Internet.

Panera only allows 1/2 an hour of Internet at a time, and I needed at least 2. I don't drink coffee, so Starbucks was out. Then Hubs came up with a solution that fixed one problem but created a whole new set of others.

McDonald's.

Apparently they have WiFi.  Really?  Do a lot of business people frequent McDonald's? I usually only see mu mu's. Maybe that's just me.

I was desperate though, and I went to the McDonald's. I located a booth,s at down, and began to work. 
While sitting there, I discovered:

1) It is impossible to concentrate on work when a 2 year old child is screaming, "I HATE FRENCH FRIES! I WANT MACARONI! Mommy always takes me to get macaroni.  You're a DOODY HEAD, Daddy!

2) McDonald's does not offer outlets, despite their Wifi. Charge your battery prior to leaving the house.

3) McDonald's Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like a mix of prune juice, Hi-C and a shot of Keystone Light. As a (self-proclaimed) Dr. Pepper expert, I'm tempted to call corporate about this travesty.

4) If you find yourself forced to use your laptop in a McDonald's, no less than three people will ask you, "McDonald's has WiFi now?" or "Working hard or hardly workin', eh?" or "What kinda 'puter is that? I just got me one of them iPad's from my daughter for Christmas. So, wheredo you live?"

5) I am not a nice person when I get interrupted.

In other news, I have found the PERFECT DOG to go adopt so Tootsie can have a brother.

(YES, I was working while at McDonald's using the Wifi. I can't help it if I had to take a slight detour to the Wayside Waif's website while I waited for a file to download.)

(Also, Sam Moon has fantastic jewelry at super cheap prices.)

(And J-Lo might have been cheating on Marc Anthony while they were married.)

All right, back to work...oooh wait, there's a Red Box at this McDonald's. Wonder if any good movies are in there this week?

Friday, July 15, 2011

the (hot) dog days are over



Here I lay, on my new couch
I'm not quite sure that I deserve this
I'm comfy and my tummy's full
And there's cool air on my tookus

My mom and dad at my house before
Bought me so I'd make babies
But a baby of their own came soon
And I guess they didn't want me

They put me out in the hot, hot heat
And tied me to a chain
Sometimes I didn't have water to drink
And I'd hope for it to rain

I'm full of life and energy
So I'd try to jump and wrestle
But my chain would get all tangled up
So under a tree I'd nestle

I wanted to go back inside
What had I done so wrong?
I wouldn't hurt their baby girl
I'd lick her all day long

But no one came to bring me in
In the grass I'd have to lie
I tried to smile as people passed
But I was just too hot to try 

Then one day, something changed
A lady stopped to pet me
My mom didn't put up a fuss at all
She seemed relieved and happy

The lady scooped me up so tight
She kissed my bony body
Then whispered, "I know the home for you"
I was so happy I almost pottied

Hubs and Kim took me right in
They snuggle and they coo
I get treated like I'm special here
And there's always lots of food!

I know how lucky that I am
That this family took me in
Will you do the same for another like me?
Believe me, everyone wins

Love,
Tootsie Roll

Special thank you to Hubs' mom, Janette, the "nice lady" who was smart enough to remove Tootsie from her previous home. The family only wanted Tootsie to breed her. But once they had their own baby, they simply didn't want her or have a need for her. Apparently in that household, pets have to earn their stay. At our house, the only form of payment accepted is love. And Tootsie's bank account will always be full.

To rescue an animal of your own, contact your local animal shelter. In Kansas City, check out Wayside Waifs and Animal Haven.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

the house that paint built

WHERE have you been, you ask?

Did you fall off the earth?

No.

Did you hit your head on something and forget who you are?

No. (I don't think so, anyway.)

No, it's none of the above. We've been moving to a new house. Or rather, we've been trying to move into a new house. First we rented out our townhouse, only to discover we couldn't close on the new house soon enough. Therefore we moved to a weekly hotel for two week...THEN we moved into the new house.

In 120 heat.

It's been rad.

Between brown recluse spiders, delayed closing, a completely useless air conditioner and 3' tall grass, it's been enough to make Hubs and I question exactly what is was that we were thinking.

But then, early this week, we were finally able to begin the move into the house.  So we rented a Uhaul, borrowed my parents for help, and started the move.

The night we moved the big stuff, the heat index was hovering around a pleasant 116 degrees. Totally optimal moving conditions. The four of us soaked our shirts, shorts and every other body part with sweat, going in and out of the Uhaul like ants. It wasn't fun.

After the first load, we all stood there contemplating whether anyone would mind if we just stripped naked.

Just then, I noticed movement from the corner of my eye. I turned to see two women walking up our driveway.

J: (waving) Hi there! We're your neighbors from across the cul-de-sac. This is A and I'm J.

Me: (thinking about the pool of sweat that's in my boobs that I would totally dig out with a Kleenex if total strangers weren't in front of me) Oh hi! Nice to meet you. Please excuse us, we're prett gross right now.

J: (waving her hand non-chalantly) Don't worry about it, we totally understand. So...how's it going?

Me: Pretty good, I guess. We've got the first big load done. So, now onto the next.

A: We've seen your cars over here once or twice, and wondered if you were going to be our new neighbors. Both of our husbands are police officers.

M: (kicking myself for coming over several times in one week to look in the windows and *maybe* try and sneak in through the garage) Yeah, we've been back and forth from here pretty often. We're pretty excited to move in.

A: Well, everyone around here is really nice. Like I said, our husbands are both on the KCMO PD, so you can feel safe.

Me: (internal monologue) So no getting drunk and running around the house naked on a dare. And no knock down, drag out fights with Hubs on the front lawn screaming "YOU THOUGHT OUR WEDDING WAS BORINGADMIT IT!")

Me: (out loud) That's great!

A: So...(pausing and cocking her eyebrow), you guys really liked the house then, huh? We've been waiting for someone to move in. (pausing again)

Me: (carefully) Yyyyeah, we like it a lot. I mean...there's some work to be done.

Hubs: We're both designers, so we bought it as a fixer upper.

A: (raising eyebrows and looking at J) So, you're going to do stuff to the house, then?

J: (salivating like a dog after a t-bone.)

Me: Well, as soon as we can we want to paint itm, so-

J: (throwing her arms around me) Oh thank GOD! I'm so glad to hear you say that. The day the woman that lived here started painting this house, I was watching through the blinds, and I immediately called A and was like, "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING OVER THERE?"

Me: (laughing) It's definitely on our list to get done. As soon as we can!

J: (putting her hand over her heart) That makes me feel so much better. I'm so glad you guys don't like it as much as we don't. Although it does make our house easier to find when people come over. 'We're across from the crazy bright house!'

***

So, we have nice neighbors who really couldn't care less whether we're axe murderers or pedophiles, as long as we paint the house. Which I get.  Cuz right now?  It looks like this.



And it doesn't stop there. Ms. Previous Owner was not afraid to get in touch with her inner Crayola.

Our Master Bath?  Looks like this.


(Blogger is being stubborn and won't turn the picture.)

But she didn't stop at green, oh no. Check out the upstairs bedroom. Ahoy matey! Thar I see land up ahead!




And the dining room. Don't forget the dining room.


I've always wondered what it'd be like to crawl inside an eggplant to eat my breakfast. Now I know.

But fear not, if we grow weary of eggplant casserole, we can easily move on to butternut squash in the 3rd bedroom. Tasty.




Yes, the previous owner of this house clearly had a Rainbow Brite complex, and brought it into her home. But one day at a time, we will overcome.  One paint stroke out a time, we will slowly turn this into the house of our dreams.

(Just don't tell the neighbors we plan to do the outside before the inside. Shhhhh.)