Thursday, March 29, 2012

An Interesting Email. Or: "How Siri is Slowly Trying to Kill Me."

I like Siri. I really do. She's a good gal. Usually if I'm looking for a place with tacos, she's on the ball. She gives me directions, I go there, I eat tacos. We're good.

But sometimes she makes me look like a big ball of jack-wagon. 

Today whilst driving all over the world with thousands of "to do's" swimming through my head, not one of which I knew I was going to get around to doing, I started to panic.

Then it hit me - this is what Siri is made for. It is her entire reason for existence. She gets my act together. She can email for me!

So I enlist her help. It doesn't go well.

Siri and Kim: A Not So Lovey Love Story.

Me: (pulls out of parking space) Siri, email Matthew.

Siri: (thinking)

Me: *sigh*

Siri: I'm so sorry, Kim. Something is wrong. I can't help you right now. Please try again later.

Me: It's okay. This happens sometimes. Let's just try it again. Siri, email Matthew, please.

Siri: (thinking)

Me: Jay. Zus. Christ.

Siri: Kim, I can't find Catch You in your contacts. To whom shall I send it?

Me: She's not real, she's a computer. She's not a real calm. Siri, I want you to email MATTHEW, please.

Siri: I'm so sorry, Kim. I can't seem to find any listings for a Matt Shoe store. 

Me: (pulling on my own hair)

I pull up a new email and type in Matthew's address myself. (And it's not really Matthew, I just don't need to share my clients' names.)

Me: Siri, edit my email. (I possibly call her a bitch, as well.)

Siri: What would you like it to say?

Me: (silently first pumps myself in victory and dictates in a very slow voice, so Siri is sure to understand.) Good morning, comma Matthew. I hope your week has been great, exclamation point. The samples you requested are on their way, exclamation point. However, comma, we are out of stock of one of the samples, period. It will be sent as soon as it becomes available, period. Please let me know what else you need, period.

Siri: (thinking)

Siri: (thinking)

Me: (Holds breath. Crosses fingers, toes, vagina and legs. Prays to every God I've ever heard of.)

Siri: I'm so sorry, Kim. Something went wrong. Please try again later.

Me: (head explodes) OH MY GOD SIRI! YOU ARE WORTHLESS! (swerves to avoid side swiping a van.)

Siri: (deadpan) I respect you.

So I go through the whole process again, dictating the exact same email to Siri at least three times.  FINALLY, I hear this.

Siri: Okay, Kim. Here is your email to Matthew. Ready to send it?

Me: (too tired to argue or proofread) Yes. Send. Now.

Siri: Okay, Kim. I'll send it.


Several minutes later I arrive at my 11:00 appointment. Before heading in, I decide to check and make sure my email was in fact, sent. I pull it up.

Oh it's been sent, all right. And here's what it says.

To: Matthew
From: Kim
Sent: Thursday, March 29th 10:38 am

Subject: Samples

Good morning, eat you. I hope your week has been great excavation point. The samples you requested are on their way! However, we are livestock on one of the samples. It will be sent as soon as it becomes available. Please let me know what else unique.

Oh. My. God.

THIS is what I have sent to my client? An email requesting my client to eat himself? And that my livestock is holding his samples hostage? Also, I appear to be curious about what's unique in his world.

Me: Siri, you have ruined my life.

Siri: I don't really like these arbitrary categories, Kim.


Lesson learned for the day. Siri doesn't know what an exclamation point is, but knows what an arbitrary category is. *face palm*

Dirty, dirty bitch.

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