Friday, June 8, 2012

kids just don't understand...


A friend led me to this site today. And I laughed for about fifteen minutes solid.

Then I started thinking. There were a few things left off the list. Granted, we can't expect the author to think of everything, and that's why I'm here. Allow me to further expand upon this brilliant idea.

(But I'm not doing 11. Just 6. I'm too lazy tired for more than that.)

(I'm also going to hope this isn't illegal. I gave the site credit, right? Isn't that all I have to do?)

Here we go:

Kids Today Will Never Know the Joy/Pain of:


1) Becoming a Self-Taught Ninendo Repairman


Luigi froze RIGHT in the middle of that crucial jump over the little creature that threw boomerangs at you? DAMMIT. It's okay, because you, my friend, were a Ninja Nintendo Repairman. By simply grabbing the game cartridge out of the machine and slapping the shit out of it a solid 10-15 times, your game was instantly repaired. Until it wasn't. But you feared not, because if all else failed, a few quick blows of Cheeto-breath air into the Ninento followed by a hard plastic *slap* on the lid would do the trick. TRUE STORY: On my first application for a job, I seriously thought about listing this activity under "Special Skills".



2) The Anticipation of Caller ID:
It didn't matter how bad you needed to pee when you got home from grocery shopping with your mom. Before you did ANYTHING else, before you even breathed a single breath, you scrolled through the Caller ID on the land line phone.

Johnson Hardware - No.
Edwards, Janet - Nope. Mom's sister.
Jackson, Carl - Dad's boss.
Newton, Andrew - HOLD IT.

HOLY SHIT, WHO IS NEWTON, ANDREW 335-235-2366 AND WHY DID HE CALL OUR HOUSE THREE TIMES?
Then you stand by the phone, obsessed for ten minutes, thinking, "Maybe that's the guy/girl from 4th period. I think his/her stepdad's last name is Newton! OH MY GOD, 4th period guy/girl called me!" And you were in a state of bliss until, inevitably, your mother scrolled through the ID list and said joyfully, "No honey, that's Andrew Newton from church. He's just calling to tell me it's my turn to light the candles on Sunday. You know Andrew. He's Martin's son, remember?"

Mother Eff.



3) Not Knowing What You Mean or That You've Misspelled it Until You Got an "F" on Your Midterm:






This? Is not fair. That is all. 


4) Getting Away With Plagiarism


Those little Millennial brats may be able to Bing or Google...but they're screwed and they don't even know it. Yes, Wikipedia can show them every document and dissertation ever written about Pearl Harbor. It will even tell them the exact minute and second that the bombing occurred. Essay done in four minutes, right? Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

And that my friends, is where technology bites them in their little Jillian Michael's toned asses. Before Google, there was no way a teacher could check every paper for plagiarism. Teacher had no idea that you went to the library and accidentally copied four pages straight out of the World Book Encyclopedia for your report on Einstein. Now? Teacher types in one paragraph from your final exam essay into Google, and BAM, you're doing a 7th grade victory lap, kid. Choke on that, Millenials.



5) Nearly Losing a Finger to a Telephone Cord

Remember when you'd talk to your friends on the phone for hours and you'd forget to pee, eat, drink or sleep? Also remember how you'd suddenly feel a weird tingling in your hand and you'd look down and see that your index finger was all blue and purple because it'd been wrapped up in the cord for half an hour? The more intense your phone conversation, the tighter you wrapped that cord. Kids today will never have to worry about getting booted from the basketball team because a freak night of exciting prank phone calls resulted in their middle finger falling off onto the Berber carpeting. All they have to worry about is brain cancer from their cell phones. Sheesh.


 6) Recorded Movies on a VHS From Basic Cable


Do you remember this commercial?  Of course you do. Because your parents made VHS copies of Sesame Street and Pete's Dragon and Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer off of ABC and TNT. And when they recorded those movies, they had commericals.  Sure, at the time, it drove you nuts to have to watch the Doublemint Twins lose their hats in the wind , but now when you go home to your parents house, you frantically TRY TO FIND THAT TAPE WITH THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS. Don't you? Now there's Netflix and DVR and commercials don't even get watched.

Spoiled. Brats.

(Spoiled brats that are smarter than me by the time they're 12, but spoiled brats nonetheless.)